Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ❒ Taken ❒ Single ✔ Pimpin

   The bad news is that Tiger Woods and Jesse James admit to being sex addicts. The good news is that there's a club for that called The Rest of the World. They meet daily with other people with unique problems like "I work too hard for not enough money."

   Inefficiency: Getting a letter in the mail saying a census is coming next week, then a census form a week later, then a postcard a week later saying a census came a week earlier.

   Facebook Duck Hunt: Every time you see a girl making the duckface in a photo, you comment "BANG!!!"

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.

   Dear Eminem: Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

   I think all the presidential candidates should be required to appear on who's smarter than a 5th grader ! Then we'll decide !!!

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into the convenience store, grab a box of condoms and ask "where is the fitting room?"

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone new, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to someone less fortunate

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

   I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.

   Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”

   Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?

   After Drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,become emotional,drive badly,stop thinking, fight for nothing & make mountains out of molehills. Hats Off to Women.They can do all this without DRINKING!!!