Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Next time you sit at a McDonald's playland and a parent asks you, "Which one is yours?" Say, "I haven't picked one out yet!" It's worth it.

   Facebook Duck Hunt: Every time you see a girl making the duckface in a photo, you comment "BANG!!!"

   I think all the presidential candidates should be required to appear on who's smarter than a 5th grader ! Then we'll decide !!!

   I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won?

   Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into the convenience store, grab a box of condoms and ask "where is the fitting room?"

   7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.

   One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

   I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone new, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to someone less fortunate

   Everyone who blamed Trump for everything, are suddenly not blaming Biden for anything.

   When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.

   Dear Eminem: Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.

   Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.

   I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.

   don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.

   I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.

   I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.

   I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?

   I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.