Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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My dog was licking his privates. My friend said "I wish I could do that". I said "You better pet him first, he's kind of mean". 
"We... did... start the fire..." - Billy Joel on his deathbed
Congrats on your move out to LA. Now your chances of becoming a big star are only 1:9,575,972,204,712.
REMEMBER:If you burn down your house on Thanksgiving....the Turkey wins
I remmeber last year at christmas my ex girlfriend was so pissed that I gave her mother a mustache trimmer.
An Airline introduced a Special Package for Businessmen; “BUY YOUR TICKET AND GET ONE FREE FOR YOUR WIFE” After a year of great success, the company sent letters to all the wives asking if they enjoyed the free tickets. All of them gave the same reply
Sorry folks, but until I get laid, I'm not thankful for s&!t this year.
Great love makes us capable of great courage. Like getting married & giving someone half your sh*t.
“Thanksgiving dinner price highest in 20 years” PLAN: I'm putting together a list of Thanksgiving invites......stop in say hi, hug everyone, grab a plate and go to next house, cheapest Thanksgiving in 20 years!
God as my witness...I thought Turkeys could fly!!!!
Hello? Mother Nature? Yes I would like to cancel my monthly subscription...Ah, I can't do that before 40 years are up? No I would not like to transfer to the 9 month plan....
we stuff the turkey but in the end the turkey stuffs us
Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?
Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.
Autocorrect thinks idea sells furniture.
Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!
I believe I Will be wrapping all my gifts in insulation this year since everybody's itching to see what I got them!
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then the life of someone who lives there must become a void once they leave town.
"To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat same as worms."-Josie Wales 