Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Great love makes us capable of great courage. Like getting married & giving someone half your sh*t.

   “Thanksgiving dinner price highest in 20 years” PLAN: I'm putting together a list of Thanksgiving invites......stop in say hi, hug everyone, grab a plate and go to next house, cheapest Thanksgiving in 20 years!

   God as my witness...I thought Turkeys could fly!!!!

   Hello? Mother Nature? Yes I would like to cancel my monthly subscription...Ah, I can't do that before 40 years are up? No I would not like to transfer to the 9 month plan....

   we stuff the turkey but in the end the turkey stuffs us

   Thanksgiving's the sexy holiday, right? No? Am I allowed to make it sexy?

   Ladies: Today marks the start of Occupy My Bed Week.

   Autocorrect thinks idea sells furniture.

   Lesson of the Day: This is your ass (_._) This is your ass in prison (_O_) . Any questions? Just say no to crime!

   I believe I Will be wrapping all my gifts in insulation this year since everybody's itching to see what I got them!

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

   If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then the life of someone who lives there must become a void once they leave town.

   "To Hell with them fellas. Buzzards gotta eat same as worms."-Josie Wales

   An fool is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup

   Short skirts have a tendency to make gentlemen out of men. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?

   We should feed tuna fish mayonnaise... saving a step in the sandwich making process.

   Today is the worst day ever! (wait for the "what's wrong?" reply. Then post "Today, I finished off the Thanksgiving leftovers".

   enough with this Victoria Secret nonsense. If I'm watching a chick on tv, she's gotta be naked plain and simple. Girls Gone Wild is the lowest I go

   i'm not an alcoholic, i'm a drunk... alcoholics go to meetings

   Newt Gingrich doesn't just have skeletons in his closet, he has the whole bone army from the 7th Voyage of Sinbad.