Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I gave this guy a sausage and he traded me a seabird... It was then I realized I had taken a tern for the wurst.

   FB is turning to be Bravo TV of the internet- too much drama and cat fights!!

   Hey Merriweather, since you're ducking Pacquiao you can fight O.J. now!!! Inmate!

   Told my son to break up with his cross-eyed girlfriend, I think she was seeing someone else.

   “Get off my balcony!!” — What my neighbor used to say to pigeons. Sometimes to me.

   Okay....who's responsible for my "poke" finger smelling funny?

   Name a dead game show host best known for kissing every woman who appeared on the show. Survey says?

   "You'd look pretty crazy without us", said her Eyebrows.

   RIP Richard Dawson Family Feud guy

   I don't hate anyone enough to want to marry them.

   Tell your boss what you really think of him and the truth shall set you free.

   Condoms definitely lessen the pleasure but kids kill it altogether.

   I got charged with indecent exposure for telling jokes naked at Home Depot. In my defense, “stand up shower” is very misleading.

   Kanye West should be coming out with ''Gold Digger'' part 2 anytime now...

   No human being in the history of the world has ever enjoyed hearing about another human being's workout.

   When I grow up, i'm going to a fine culinary school...Mcdonalds.

   If you have to kiss ass to get ahead… you got behind.

   says I just want to find someone that doesn't deserve my affection so I don't feel guilty when I treat them like sh!t.

   When one door closes… the dress falls off.

   Magic Johnson just said Lebron is special. When a guy who beat AIDS calls you special, then you know!