Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cute girls going from "single" to "in a relationship"...WHEN WILL THIS EPIDEMIC END!

   Life is to short to remove USB safely!!!!!!

   I wonder if Satan gets a lot of wish lists in the mail during the holiday season from dyslexic people.

   Don't be upset that your dreams didn't come true, just be glad your nightmares didn't.

   I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching... my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

   Some people need to realize there is a "reply" option and a "reply all button".

   I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies.. Now I am good at everything.

   I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

   Happy National Gift Card Day!

   Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental b@stard.

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   you should leave facebook when you have more relatives than your friends, in your friend list.

   how come there is an weekly test of the emergency alert system every single day.

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   If you can steal her heart... Try not to let her know that you did it... A good thief will never leave a trace of the crime...

   B!tch please! The only reason I sent you a friend request is because I want to see for myself if you are as slutty as your profile pic insinuate.

   Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river

   Women want solutions. Men don't want problems.