Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

   Happy National Gift Card Day!

   Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental b@stard.

   having to grocery shop at Walgreens because everything else is closed :(

   You can take off the sexy elf costume now....Steve.

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   you should leave facebook when you have more relatives than your friends, in your friend list.

   how come there is an weekly test of the emergency alert system every single day.

   Just remember, while you're lying to, disrespecting and making your girl cry, there's a man out there waiting to hold her, dry her tears and treat her right...

   If you can steal her heart... Try not to let her know that you did it... A good thief will never leave a trace of the crime...

   B!tch please! The only reason I sent you a friend request is because I want to see for myself if you are as slutty as your profile pic insinuate.

   Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river

   Women want solutions. Men don't want problems.

   217. I hate it when you go out on a date with a girl and she asks to hold her purse and it doesn't match your shoes.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   I have no point.... I have a sharp knife tho, will that make up for it?

   The one night I wish I was a cop... amateur night.

   If I poke you on Facebook and you poke me back does that mean we just had Facebook sex? & if I poke you and you didn't want to be poked did I just rape your page?

   My skull organ no work so good this day.

   will not be available to post bail on the 31st, due to a previous engagement