Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fighting fire with fire only gives you ashes.

   I may not open a lot of doors for women, but I do kill a lot of dragons for them.

   Fun Fact: the seven letters of "rainbow" stand for the different colors! Red, arange, iellow, neen, blue, ondigo, and wiolet. I'm drunk.

   We live in a culture where we are surrounded by smart phones and stupid people.

   Executioners are always dressed to kill.

   A recent government survey reports that people are more cynical these days than any time in history. Like I'm really supposed to believe that…

   Got fired from my job as a bingo caller... apparently "A meal for two with a terrible view" was a pathetic way to announce the number 69.

   I don't know why cops bother asking me questions I've never had one believe me.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I was gonna comment something funny on Snooki's pregnancy...but sooo not worth it...

   You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer?

   S.I.N.G.L.E = Sometimes It's Not Good to Love Everybody

   Dudes who wear skinny jeans, you took the phrase "I got in her pants" the wrong way...

   Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.

   Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.

   When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

   Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same

   One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.

   Who else sniffs their fingers after they scratch their balls ? you have to.. its a verification "Yup thats me right there!"

   Why are you all so upset about Dr Pepper For Men? I mean, Subaru makes cars just for lesbians!