Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ok ok ok, I actually searched for "local wheelchair sex" on Yahoo. To be fair though, it did give me an invalid address....

   I'm 99.9999% sure you're not in love with me, but it's that 0.0001% that gives me hope and keeps me holding on.

   I dropped my M&M's down the loo as I flushed. It was like a mini nascar race.

   Irony: People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   It's hard to romance the woman of your dreams when you are her worst nightmare.

   concentrate on fixing your own heterosexual marriage before you lecture on what's wrong with their relationship

   I got 99 problims and speling aint won of thim.

   it is cool that the new deaf guy at our office reads lips, but I wish he would stop using a yellow highlighter every time I say something important.

   "Religious moderation is the product of secular knowledge and scriptural ignorance."

   If someone sends you 5 texts in a row, and you don't respond, that's basically going to be their suicide note.

   The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep Happy Mother's Day

   My husband's birthday is in a few days and as a gift to him I am taking the date rape drug.

   Ellen DeGeneres would make an amazing Crocodile Dundee.

   Roach joints. Because yeah... I recycle! :)

   Help your local police, beat yourself-up.

   I have a slight cold, so let me know if you need my address to send sympathy cards.

   People who over exaggerate literally make me want to shoot myself in the face 287 billion times.

   I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.

   If buying cereal for the coveted toy inside is wrong , I don't want to be right .

   surprised my wife with a beautiful necklace and dinner last night...well actually, the candy necklace was her dinner...but hey, its the thought that counts