Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/

   In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.

   By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.

   That uneasy moment the scales start singing Lionel Richie "Three Times A Lady" when she gets on.

   It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle; you want to be manly, but you don't want to wake her up.

   she knows that some people never have to worry about hemorrhoirds, because they are perfect a**holes.

   My least favorite stage of sleep is "rapid bowel movement".

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   It'll be 100 years since the R.M.S Titanic sank in five days. Some of the wealthiest people died that day. It was also Tax Deadline Day? Someone didn't pay their taxes......

   Announcing “I'm offended” is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you.

   NERD FLIRTING: "I wish I could select all of you clothes & press delete."

   I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?

   it's no longer a secret that they are getting serviced.

   don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...

   I am only pretty on the outside.

   I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.

   I hadn't really planned on doing much today. So the little I have done makes me seem like an over achiever! Winning.....

   I'm also not a JETS fan,,, but on E-Bay, If I ever see a old, used,, Dirty Sanchez jersey,, I'm TOTALLY buying that too....

   BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm