Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A girl broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution??? I sent them to her dad.

   got a Rolex for his birthday from the lesbians next door. I think they misunderstood me when I said I wanna watch.

   wishes he could throw magic dust on my problems to make them disappear. Like a wizard. Or a crack addict.

   I would rather cuddle then have sex. If you are good with grammar you will get it.

   Be nice to your neighbors. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good scream and your bad scream

   Some of the best moments in life are the ones you can't tell anyone about.

   The sight of naked cleavage reduces a man's ability to reason by 50% ... Per boob.

   Whenever I erase text messages, I feel like I'm deleting evidence :)

   It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.

   Sometimes I'll stand up in a meeting and say "You just gave me an idea!" Then I leave the room, drive home, and go to bed.

   If my neighbors dont tone it down a little bit, I am going to have to change my WiFi network name to "I can hear you having sex".

   Because of The Hangover, the way I say "retard" has forever been changed...

   My Dad took the "how horny are you ? " test. the result was "very horny" and my mom clicked the like button. - I'm so not sleeping at home tonight...

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   Whenever there's an awkward silence, try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"

   All I know is- If you let a month go by without reporting your missing child, then you are guilty of something.

   Sometimes I smile in the middle of telling a story, not because I'm fondly remembering something, but because I'm impressed with the BS I am creating on the spot."

   Now if you'll excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   This Status Update could be yours for six Easy Payments of $19.99

   Thank you Mom for everything you have taught me over the years.....especially that toilet training thing.. I can't tell you how many times THAT has come in handy!!