Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18.... Obama was once 18... Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.

   My blood type is "Aunt Jemima".

   Congratulations Michael Jordan on your new marriage.....Now she owns you.

   After an extensive scientifc study, Chris Kelly (aka Mac Daddy from the 90's rap group "Kris Kross") has conclusively proven that wearing your clothes backwards does not provide adequate protection from drug overdoeses.

   What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"

   Nothing says I'm cool quite like the sound of Velcro ripping apart.

   Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?

   May the 5th of vodka be with you

   All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.

   ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that”

   Just had a call from a guy with a foreign accent call me from "Microsoft"....I told him the only problem I was having was when I booted up the startup screen showed a pic of his Mom and a donkey..............."click"

   My car was stolen last night..I was going to call the police but then I thought 'nevermind...I'll let him try explain the bodies in the trunk...'

   I just have no patience for people who don't know how to do their jobs effectively. I paid for sex now you figure the rest out.

   If she starts screaming things you’d only hear in a Pitbul song during sex. You’re doing it right.

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   Yeah, I followed a dream once. Turns out, the Harlem Globetrotters "don't really want" a 6th member named "Whitey McBiscuits".

   One night stand from 6 years ago just looked me up on facebook & wants to know "whats new?" How do I respond guys?

   It’s amazing how much a woman can accomplish without even putting her purse down.

   Adobe Reader should just watch the news like the rest of us for regular updates.

   scientific studies have shown that I hate you