Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Im starting to worry that my Guardian Angel is a crack head!

   Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...

   If Paul McCartney's guitar isn't made out of one of Heather Mills' spare legs, I'm gonna be p*ssed.

   My house is like a casino. There are free drinks, no clocks, and lots of skimpy outfits. Now who wants to play slots?

   Whte Kid: SHUT UP MOM!!! Mom: *Shuts Up* Blck Kid: SHUT UP MOM! *Wakes up* Where am I? Doctor: Intensive care. O.O

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.

   Your profile picture brings the old saying "You can't polish a turd" to mind

   You call it Russian Roulette I call it coming home from work every day.

   When someone puts you on the backburner, kick them the f*&^ outta the kitchen!

   I hate a liar more than a thief. A thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   Make today ridiculously amazing!

   Am I the only one who thinks this Adalia Rose Bullsh!t needs to end?

   The serenity of the beautiful sunrise this morning was broken by the sound of a cat hacking up a hairball somewhere in the house.

   Cuba Gooding Jr...Show me the warrant!

   Underwear, pants, then go outside. Underwear, pants, then go outside. You'd think I would have this nailed down by now.

   Listen baby, You're the person I want to spend my life with for the next hour.

   There is over a billion people in China and there is also only two haricuts

   BOSS: Do you understand? ME: Yeah... BOSS: *Walks away* ME: What did she just say?

   “I can't believe it's not butter!” - me watching Paula Deen use something other than butter as her first ingredient..

   If these were Biblical times, instead of flogging Jesus they woulda forced him to watch "Jersey Shore" in it's entirety