Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To the wonderful staff at Walgreens....Thanks for the bathroom key and I am deeply deeply sincerely sorry

   I'm rich and drive a space shuttle to work! its true check my christianmingle.com profile you cant lie on there cuz jesus runs it

   I have a feeling that If I were to be sorted by the sorting hat at hogwarts, I'd be directly sent to the kitchens to work with the house elves.

   I can make a better duckface with my a$$hole.

   Team Edward? Team Jacob? WRONG! It was Team Rupert.

   Remember; It's always better to ask for forgiveness than for permission except when it's about @nal.

   I'm starting to get a wee bit tired of these retro ecards. I prefer reading status's in 3D, real time....

   Im starting to worry that my Guardian Angel is a crack head!

   Hmmm,,, So all the instruments used to find "intelligent life" pointed "AWAY" from earth???,,,,, Yeah,, that makes sense...

   If Paul McCartney's guitar isn't made out of one of Heather Mills' spare legs, I'm gonna be p*ssed.

   My house is like a casino. There are free drinks, no clocks, and lots of skimpy outfits. Now who wants to play slots?

   Whte Kid: SHUT UP MOM!!! Mom: *Shuts Up* Blck Kid: SHUT UP MOM! *Wakes up* Where am I? Doctor: Intensive care. O.O

   If people could hear the next five seconds after we hit end call, we would all have no friends.

   Your profile picture brings the old saying "You can't polish a turd" to mind

   You call it Russian Roulette I call it coming home from work every day.

   When someone puts you on the backburner, kick them the f*&^ outta the kitchen!

   I hate a liar more than a thief. A thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   Make today ridiculously amazing!

   Am I the only one who thinks this Adalia Rose Bullsh!t needs to end?

   The serenity of the beautiful sunrise this morning was broken by the sound of a cat hacking up a hairball somewhere in the house.