Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’ve been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   For Free, 5 foot of snow....you pick up and haul (from my drive) First 10 people get a free glass of ice water with it.....limited supply so hurry fast.

   Good friends happen to good friends.

   Kristen Stewart has the expression of a brick wall.

   I was having a good day until I ran into an idiot. These things are everywhere, there is no avoiding them.

   I’m not ignoring you if you don’t exist to me.

   Michelle Obama presenting best picture? This is really just a long live-action episode of Family Guy isn't it?

   It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What should you do? ... Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

   Insomnia is for people who haven't tried watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long

   The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.

   Obama must be out of his Vulcan mind using the term "Jedi mild meld." Who doesn't know the difference between the Vulcan mind meld and Jedi mind trick?

   i used to live in a place where the walls were so thin that when my neighbors peeled onions I was crying next door.

   *Showering together* Girl: "Baby I want you to do bad things to me ;)" Guy: *Puts shampoo in her eyes*

   Boy nothing says band wagon than Harlem Shake.

   Sex with my girlfriend is like the fast and furious I'm fast and she is furious.

   A friend said she was going to wash the gray right out of her hair. I said, "I wish I could do that, these days I pretty much just wash the hair out of my hair".

   According to Nostradamus Prophecies, Politicians can resist a Nuclear Winter, The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, a direct Meteor Impact, the Jehovah's Witnesses & Mormons. But not a Sequester!