Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today's Subway Special: The Triumph Carnival Cruise sandwich, This sandwich is served on 4 day-old Ammonia bread, with a scraps of room temperature tuna and onion, room temperature Mayonnaise, pieces of cucumber, and cheese.

   lways be yourself, unless you're that guy. Don't be that guy.

   A good sense of humor is the vaccine against lifes troubles.

   Dont even look up to me for help. I make a bad situation even worse.

   It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

   Drew Peterson will learn for 38 years that men's prison is a lot like Facebook... if someone really likes him, they'll poke him a lot.

   If marriage has taught me anything it's that there is no shortage of por n on the Internet.

   I’ve been having this weird feeling all day, the only way I know how to describe it is: you know when you switch on a switch and nothing happens? That.

   For Free, 5 foot of snow....you pick up and haul (from my drive) First 10 people get a free glass of ice water with it.....limited supply so hurry fast.

   Good friends happen to good friends.

   Kristen Stewart has the expression of a brick wall.

   I was having a good day until I ran into an idiot. These things are everywhere, there is no avoiding them.

   I’m not ignoring you if you don’t exist to me.

   Michelle Obama presenting best picture? This is really just a long live-action episode of Family Guy isn't it?

   It's a good week to get an Oscar but not a good week to be an Oscar.

   But Officer,,,, I was in the Gifted & Talented program, and I need to move at my own pace.

   You're riding a horse full speed, there's a giraffe beside you and you're being chased by a lion. What should you do? ... Get your drunk ass off the carousel.

   Insomnia is for people who haven't tried watching Keeping up with the Kardashians.

   people get so mad at me in the self-checkout lane....i stand there checking myself out just like the name says. they say I take too long

   The best thing about dating a homeless woman is that when the night's over, you can drop her off anywhere.