Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So, if I'm to believe Apple, my thumbs have grown half an inch and my ears changed shape since last year…

   If he asks me to marry him that means he doesn't want to have sex anymore, right?

   I watched a great puppet show last week. I think it was called The American Presidential debates or something

   Lets not waste our time wondering whether or not this is a waste of time

   Farts are always funny, except the wet ones, those are only funny when it happens to someone else.

   my wife said I drink too much and don't exercise enough. So I stole her pedometer. Half mile so far from the living room to the fridge!

   wondering if anyone knows of an easier way to get mothballs? So dang hard getting their little legs apart ;)

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.

   "Rawr" does NOT mean "I love you" in dinosaur. You ever seen Jurassic Park? It means, I'm going to eat you

   to all bullies out there enjoying what they do: One day you will have kids too...have fun when they get bullied, I know I will! ;)

   Love is not only for lovers, it is also felt by friends who understand each other more than lovers.

   I wish I had a biker chick for my woman. Skinny legs, big b00bs, pot belly, and a face like Popeye.

   After a one night stand I scream stranger danger repeatedly until they leave.

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   All these facebook game requests and not one from a hot chick for N@ked Twister.

   it's funny a year ago everyone was panicking about the end of the world in 2012, now we're only 2 months away and no one cares

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   "How To Win Friends And Influence People On Facebook" Post pictures of dogs and cats.

   You know it was a good night when the hotel room looks like a crime scene the next morning.