Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.

   "Rawr" does NOT mean "I love you" in dinosaur. You ever seen Jurassic Park? It means, I'm going to eat you

   to all bullies out there enjoying what they do: One day you will have kids too...have fun when they get bullied, I know I will! ;)

   Love is not only for lovers, it is also felt by friends who understand each other more than lovers.

   I wish I had a biker chick for my woman. Skinny legs, big b00bs, pot belly, and a face like Popeye.

   After a one night stand I scream stranger danger repeatedly until they leave.

   it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?

   All these facebook game requests and not one from a hot chick for N@ked Twister.

   it's funny a year ago everyone was panicking about the end of the world in 2012, now we're only 2 months away and no one cares

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   "How To Win Friends And Influence People On Facebook" Post pictures of dogs and cats.

   You know it was a good night when the hotel room looks like a crime scene the next morning.

   Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is.

   Ladies, why spend hundreds on make-up, sexy clothes, & perfume looking for Mr. Perfect when you can just eat a banana at the grocery store?

   A man's a woman's best friend.He'll never let her down,comfort her after a bad day,inspire her to do what she never thought she could.He'll enable her to express her deepest emotions, & enable her to be confident & sexy. Wait it's wine that does that, n

   kinda pissed off right now! going to put on red polo and walk around target and vent!

   My ex-wife said she was getting fat, had wrinkles and look old… So I said “But your eyesight is perfect”

   I hate it when I don't have someone to do in the morning.

   I know I can go to NAPA to buy truck nuts... But where can I go to get my Prius vajazzled ??