Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I only log in my Facebook page to not forget my password.

   Face down, a$$ up. That's how I tie my shoes.

   "okay okay...I'm up" - Green Day

   Guess what day it is!!! Guess! What! Day! It! Is! Its Day 2 of the government shutdown and society has yet to collapse, this is exactly what the Democrats feared....

   That camel is so vain. You don't see any humpback whales asking random people what day it is.

   You ever follow someone going over a bridge with their left turn signal on? Where are they going to turn? You almost wish they would turn.

   I fell on the floor last night... good thing the 5 second rule didn't apply

   You must be a Jedi Master...cuz yodalicious....

   I've watched pretty woman about 3 times tonight.Note to self hookers get millionares.

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   My coke dealer has a habit of putting his business in my nose.

   hey China, can you loan me a measly million bucks? I promise to only shop at Walmart and I will not shutdown!

   My father is at that age where he will have a full on conversation with a telemarketer.

   At the DMV. When they called my number, felt like I was on the Price Is Right TV show. XD

   Monogomy: See Bigamy

   t's not that I mind the neighbors cadaver dog....it's just that when it's digging in my backyard, it can get a little awkward.

   I wonder. Is it considered non-kosher to watch a Kevin Bacon movie?

   It must take an awful lot of self-control to work in a bubble-wrap factory.

   Yeah I used to be a people person but then people went & F#%ked that all up :l