Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing himself in Spanish?

   What is this, a gambling intervention? Who put you up to this? 10 to 1 it was mom!

   I have been going to the gym for 6 years now, still never gone in.

   Reality is for people who can't handle science fiction.

   Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit's Finger!

   My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   I think I've finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.

   I only log in my Facebook page to not forget my password.

   Face down, a$$ up. That's how I tie my shoes.

   "okay okay...I'm up" - Green Day

   Guess what day it is!!! Guess! What! Day! It! Is! Its Day 2 of the government shutdown and society has yet to collapse, this is exactly what the Democrats feared....

   That camel is so vain. You don't see any humpback whales asking random people what day it is.

   You ever follow someone going over a bridge with their left turn signal on? Where are they going to turn? You almost wish they would turn.

   I fell on the floor last night... good thing the 5 second rule didn't apply

   You must be a Jedi Master...cuz yodalicious....

   I've watched pretty woman about 3 times tonight.Note to self hookers get millionares.

   FYI,,, Society has put an excessive amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I'll watch Groundhog Day every time it comes on. Same goes for Groundhog Day. Also, whenever Groundhog Day comes on, I'll watch it.

   My coke dealer has a habit of putting his business in my nose.

   hey China, can you loan me a measly million bucks? I promise to only shop at Walmart and I will not shutdown!