Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know what's longer: a microwave minute or a treadmill minute...

   I always take a number at the deli, and I've been keeping them.... Eventually I'll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn

   I really have no idea what a Kardashian is but,,,, From what I can gather, it's an exercise bike for basketball players.

   I love walking on the beach with my girlfriend until the acid wears off and I'm just dragging a stolen mannequin around a Walmart parking lot.

   When setting the table, does the remote control go to the left, to the right or over the dinner plate?

   how many people have gone to bed so angry with someone you've pretended to have a nightmare, just so you can roll over and punch them in the head

   May the blessings of the new year pass me by and find someone less fortunate. My life is not perfect but I have no reason to complain. I am lucky to have what I have.

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."

   Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.

   This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth.. She's down to the final 4.

   What a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today.

   "I before E, except after C." Disproved by science.

   Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.

   The moment someone tells you that you're not good enough is the moment you know you're better than them.

   the best way to get out of a text conversation: "The message could not be delivered. Please try again later. Error 226110."

   And on the 21st Day of May... God said.. Hahahahahhahah!

   Hey Harold Camping, we all make mistakes. It's not the end of the world...

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink on average 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid.

   That feeling when your ex reappears as a single mother with a child, and you immediately start doing the math.

   I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars & trucks team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong brothers and sisters!