Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes I hate being around interesting people because it means I have to try and be interesting too.

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"

   Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”

   MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome.

   I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.

   I was just going to nail some shelves to the wall, then I thought, screw them!

   I like my women like I like my cheese. Fat free American singles..

   I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

   I'm not drunk. I'm just tired from.....ah who am I kidding, I'm drunk!

   Owls make good pets because they're always interested in your social life. You tell it "guess who I went to the movies with" and it always asks"who?"

   Team member of the month award ..... awesome and desperately sad at the same time

   retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today!

   Earlier I saw a guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" waiting at a crosswalk, so I decided to gas it for two main reasons. First I refuse to stop & wait on any guy wearing "Skinny Jeans" & Secondly If he walked out in front of me I would be doing the world a favor!

   A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother why the bride changed her mind. What do you mean? responded her mother. Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another...

   I feel a need to apologize. My wife just got back from Wal Mart and apparently, she bought it all. I'm very sorry for any problems this may cause other shoppers...

   Getting ready to go get me a box of Twinkies and Donuts. Duh, Winning.

   According to a recent survey... Arizona is the 29th happiest state in the U.S... I'm not sure how I feel about that...

   I think Charlie Sheen should be asked to be on "Dancing with the Stars"... that would be a TRAIN WRECK...

   Charlie Sheen is just living MY life....with A LOT more money