Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The more pieces she's put out the less appealing her puzzle is to solve..RJ

   no! I will not dress all fancy shmancy just to go to wal mart

   With the way some people make you feel guilty about discussing sex, you would think God created the human body and the devil slapped on the genitals.

   Women rarely tell their age and men rarely act theirs.

   In the strange event that you are buying condoms. Make sure they say 'bareskin' and not 'bearskin' trust me on this one.

   Elderly drivers. Pressing the pedal on the right will make your car go a little faster. Forget all that rubbish about suffocating at speeds above 20 kmh. It was all a myth.

   to the guy who made the "16-bit dinosaurs" music video, What were you smoking?, How much have you been Smoking? Can I have some?

   Sometimes I hate being around interesting people because it means I have to try and be interesting too.

   Since I can't get my illiterate coworker use spell check, I set his email signature to say "Sent from my phone, pardon any typos"

   I need a guy to give me a hug and say " Sorry my whole gender sucks"

   Side-Chick-Text: “You just deleted my post on your Facebook wall. Why are you trying to hide me?”

   MAN RULE 102: No man shall describe another man as cute or handsome.

   I just drank 3 cups of coffee with 2 Ambien. Now I am tired of being awake.

   I was just going to nail some shelves to the wall, then I thought, screw them!

   I like my women like I like my cheese. Fat free American singles..

   I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

   I'm not drunk. I'm just tired from.....ah who am I kidding, I'm drunk!

   Owls make good pets because they're always interested in your social life. You tell it "guess who I went to the movies with" and it always asks"who?"

   Team member of the month award ..... awesome and desperately sad at the same time

   retired. I was tired yesterday, and I'm tired again today!