Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Try Jesus. If you don't like Him, the devil will always take you back.

   New study shows that too much Facebook leads to alcohol/drug abuse, which leads to neglecting one's imaginary sheep.

   Living in Orlando makes me feel like I'm in a foreign country....which is PERFECT for Thanksgiving!!!

   Good morning. Are you having TSA fantasies?

   3 Pints of Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, a wrench, and handcuffs made out of Twizzlers. I'm ready for bootycall Friday night to begin!

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents

   Who's cruel idea was it to put the 's' in lisp?

   Todays lesson: You WRITE a letter or note. You TYPE an e -mail, message or text.

   Everybody that asks me to go shopping today gets a big "HELL NO!"

   Saying over the store microphone "Attention all shoppers, we're having an 85% off toy sale in the tire and lube area" sure opens the check out lines fast.

   Just bought someone I don't really like something they don't really need. But I saved 10 bucks!!

   Studying for these Harvard finals is pretty rough. I should have gone to Yale.

   Sex is like air. It isn't important unless you aren't getting any.

   alright ladies...time to put down the booze n get busy on theses dishes...

   Remember when getting high meant swinging on the playground? When protection meant wearing a helmet? When the worst thing you could get from girls were cooties? Dads shoulders were the highest place on earth? Your worst enemies were your siblings. the onl

   I hate when people put words in my mouth.. with the possible exceptions of “waffle” or “sandwich.”

   When will it be socially acceptable to drink queso from a straw?

   ‎"Only one store has been a part of your life for 150 years. That's the power of MACY'S" Wow! They're really targeting the seniors with this commercial!

   A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!' 'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'