Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People keep asking, "Should Palin run?" YES! She should run back to Alaska as fast as her $300,000.00 bus can carry her. Go roam the frozen tundra, Caribou Barbie.

   Here is a billion dollar idea - manufacture toilet paper with the Koran printed on it.

   After reading some of these jokes, I might have pulled something rolling my eyes.

   Behind every fat girl there is a beautiful woman. No seriously, you're in the way.

   What's the defference between Santa and Tiger Woods? Santa stopped at 3 Ho's LOL

   Confucious say, "Is good for girl to meet boy in park... but is better for boy to park meat in girl."

   God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.

   In honor of the his re-election pants are at half ass across the country.

   In honor of Paul Walker, KFC will be offering the "Walker Extra Crispy Special with mashed porschetatoes", for only $9.99.

   wondering if the I.R.S. will noticed she claimed A.I.G. and Obama's mother-in-law as dependents!

   Due to an increasing number of terrified friends, I'm going to have to change my profile picture !!!

   hasn't had his coffee this morning so don't make me kill you

   I didn't hit you....I simply high fived your face

   My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret

   - When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?

   Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

   I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

   they say the camera adds 10 pounds. well it looks like you just ate five cameras.

   I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you & smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I cant brighten my own.

   Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...