Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of Paul Walker, KFC will be offering the "Walker Extra Crispy Special with mashed porschetatoes", for only $9.99.

   wondering if the I.R.S. will noticed she claimed A.I.G. and Obama's mother-in-law as dependents!

   Due to an increasing number of terrified friends, I'm going to have to change my profile picture !!!

   hasn't had his coffee this morning so don't make me kill you

   I didn't hit you....I simply high fived your face

   My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret

   they say the camera adds 10 pounds. well it looks like you just ate five cameras.

   I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you & smile. The type of girl who is willing to brighten your day even if I cant brighten my own.

   Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

   I'm dreaming of a melty turquoise Christmas. And sugar plums are fighting lesbian dragons in my head. This LSD-nog is fantastic.

   - When Stephen Hawking has sex does he use Condoms or Norton Anti Virus?

   Know when you're drying off after a shower and that last trickle of water runs down your asscrack? Well, welcome to my world...

   My neighbor is so uptight I could put a lump of coal in his butt and 5 minutes later he'd be like "don't put stuff in my butt anymore, Mike"

   I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?

   Of all the animals, man is the only one that is cruel. He is the only one that inflicts pain for the pleasure of doing it.

   8 out of 10 men don't understand women, the other 2 want to be them.

   If you're in a relationship and all you do is cry everyday, you need to stop and ask yourself: "Am I dating a HUMAN or an ONION?"😂😜

   President Vladimir Putin says at least we know where this Malaysian Airliner is.

   Cheese Doritos are like cheese covered razors if you chew a moth full to fast

   Elementary School: YAY CRAYONS! =) Middle School: Crayons? What am I, 3? -__- High School: HOLY SH*T, CRAYONS!