Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a police officer stops you for speeding, ask the officer "than how did you catch up with me?"

   was uncool before uncool was cool.

   you know its going to be a bad day when you get out of bad and you miss the floor..

   ate Humpty Dumpty for breakfast and ain't nothing that the King's men can do about it!

   The Democrats finally came forward and ruined Chelsey Clinton's life with the news that Janet Reno is actually her father.

   Social Networking is like Judaism based religions. 1st was Myspace, difficult to understand and these days they think there"special." 2nd came facebook; full of Hypocrites and false dreams. Lastly came Twitter; rarely understood by many and hated by most

   planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes"

   Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you.

   well used x box for sale, cheap. Comes with lots of head games and 2 kids.

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   Chris Brown & I have a totally opposite understanding of the term "I'de hit that"

   tight end, stuck him, up the middle, sacked him, ball deflected, ball returned, flag is thrown, challenge, incomplete, 2 minute warning, holding, TOUCHDOWN......gotta love Football

   Why is everyone pinching me today?

   If you have to ask "You know I'm saying?", you probably didn't make your point very effectively in the first place.

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!