Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Democrats finally came forward and ruined Chelsey Clinton's life with the news that Janet Reno is actually her father.

   Social Networking is like Judaism based religions. 1st was Myspace, difficult to understand and these days they think there"special." 2nd came facebook; full of Hypocrites and false dreams. Lastly came Twitter; rarely understood by many and hated by most

   planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

   bankruptcy spelled with one "oh sh*t" or two?

   If a police officer stops you for speeding, ask the officer "than how did you catch up with me?"

   was uncool before uncool was cool.

   you know its going to be a bad day when you get out of bad and you miss the floor..

   ate Humpty Dumpty for breakfast and ain't nothing that the King's men can do about it!

   3:48 a.m. i'd like a double cheeseburger, and some fries ... 'sorry we only have breakfast'

   An hour and 11 minutes after midnight tonite is 1-1-11 @1:11AM. A memorable time to text and express love to your 1 & only :D

   The AVN Awards (adult videos) is being held this Sunday in Las Vegas, NV; though it's a hard time for the movie industry, there no losers just wieners.

   how come when I fart you say eww but when you fart, its ok

   Just did my own personal training session w a CrossFit trainer. Rowed 500m, 40 air squats, 30 full sit-ups, 20 push-ups, 10 overhand pull-ups. 5min 23 seconds. Then crawled to the bathroom to dryheave.

   rejects your reality and substitute my own.

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes"

   Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you.

   well used x box for sale, cheap. Comes with lots of head games and 2 kids.

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet