Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An hour and 11 minutes after midnight tonite is 1-1-11 @1:11AM. A memorable time to text and express love to your 1 & only :D

   The AVN Awards (adult videos) is being held this Sunday in Las Vegas, NV; though it's a hard time for the movie industry, there no losers just wieners.

   how come when I fart you say eww but when you fart, its ok

   Just did my own personal training session w a CrossFit trainer. Rowed 500m, 40 air squats, 30 full sit-ups, 20 push-ups, 10 overhand pull-ups. 5min 23 seconds. Then crawled to the bathroom to dryheave.

   rejects your reality and substitute my own.

   We're a family team here, we all need to pitch in. Cat, lick your butthole. Dog, eat my shoe. Fish, swim in your own filth.. I got dishes......And BREAK

   Good morning beautiful ladies "Kisses" Good morning ugly ladies "hand shakes"

   Turning off the downstairs lights and running upstairs so no one kills you.

   well used x box for sale, cheap. Comes with lots of head games and 2 kids.

   Boss: You drunk? Me: No I'm totally "sober" Him: Did you do air quotes when you said sober? Me: What? No. Look, I need to get back to "work"

   "I'm sorry, baby, I just have a lot on my plate right now." - Me breaking up with my girlfriend at Old Country Buffet

   eHarmony should be more like Amazon for those sad lonely people. "Customers who slept with Tina172 also slept with LuvinLife_83, TaintMisbehavin, and Cat_Lover03."

   5 missed calls from your girlfriend means you have missed a good night. 5 missed calls from your wife means....that you are screwed!

   Chris Brown & I have a totally opposite understanding of the term "I'de hit that"

   tight end, stuck him, up the middle, sacked him, ball deflected, ball returned, flag is thrown, challenge, incomplete, 2 minute warning, holding, TOUCHDOWN......gotta love Football

   Why is everyone pinching me today?

   If you have to ask "You know I'm saying?", you probably didn't make your point very effectively in the first place.

   Pardon me, Ma'am, but maybe you could use one of those unlimited breadsticks you've got there to shut your screaming baby the hell up!

   Finished Christmas shopping and gift wrapping over four months ago. The puppy doesn't make as much noise as it used to.

   It would be much easier to get around town, if the highway wasn't jammed with broken heroes, on a last chance power drive.