Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Let's give thanks we live in a country where political disagreements are expressed with poorly spelled Facebook posts instead of missiles.

   All I'm saying is if I lost my arm in a light saber battle, my robot replacement arm better vibrate.

   I'm doing 'Mexican Yoga' tonight. It's just sitting at the back of a regular yoga class with a bottle of tequila.

   New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together."

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   If you want a woman for sex, just tell her. Don’t lead her on. It’s impolite to toy with a woman’s emotions.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....

   A woman can be satisfied with 3 inches.. it doesn't matter if it's Visa or MasterCard.

   The longest distance in the world is from Monday morning to Friday afternoon.

   I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my phone charger. I had to do what most people would have done... turn back around and go get it.

   Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?

   Royal baby born weighing 8 pounds, worth billions of them!

   Getting lots of admiring looks in my new denim short-shirts and halter top.

   "Beauty without intelligence is like a masterpiece painted on a tissue paper." Yeh, compasionate wisdom lasts longer than beauty. At least you don't get on people's nerve with your childish behaviour.

   f your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.

   High heels look best on a woman when the bottoms are pointing to the ceiling.

   My prescription's instructions say to take 1 pill "by mouth." This begs the questions: Is there, in fact, a version of this I can take "by butt?" And if so, why the hell has doc been holding out on me???

   Todays date? 90210!...I'm off to the Peach Pit!

   I realllllly want to pet a whale right now

   I'm so old. I remember when "flash memory" meant "ability to recall guys in raincoats showing their naughty bits." Those were simpler times for sure!