Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One time at a job interview, I was asked: "What can you bring to this company?" I told them: "paper clips, lots of paper clips"

   My circle of friends is a dot.

   Cats are pet tigers for midgets.

   Dear Eminem, Not only did yousteal our name but we're both black on theinside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   Told my dealer I wanted a sh*tload of Coke but auto-correct changed it to shipload now I owe a Colombian cartel 18 million dollars.

   Men think girls don't get mad for no reason. there's always a reason. no matter how small it is or how dumb it is. it's still considered a reason

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

   if you comment on a picture from a year ago, you are a stalker...

   Scientists predict that at the rate the polar ice caps are melting, Nicole Kidman's face will unfreeze by 2015.

   Let's give thanks we live in a country where political disagreements are expressed with poorly spelled Facebook posts instead of missiles.

   All I'm saying is if I lost my arm in a light saber battle, my robot replacement arm better vibrate.

   I'm doing 'Mexican Yoga' tonight. It's just sitting at the back of a regular yoga class with a bottle of tequila.

   New Pick-Up Line for Guys: "Let's watch Scandal together."

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   If you want a woman for sex, just tell her. Don’t lead her on. It’s impolite to toy with a woman’s emotions.

   My nickname for my mother was Hannibal Lecture....

   A woman can be satisfied with 3 inches.. it doesn't matter if it's Visa or MasterCard.

   The longest distance in the world is from Monday morning to Friday afternoon.

   I was half way to work when I realized I forgot my phone charger. I had to do what most people would have done... turn back around and go get it.

   Why do I get no "likes" when I mention cocaine and strippers in the same sentence?