Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   5 out of 6 people feel the need to tell other people their dreams, while 6 out of 6 people don't give a sh!t.

   It's Friday and I have the directions to Margaritaville!!

   Make the little things count. Teach midgets maths

   Just once, I would like to wake up, turn on the news, and hear...'Monday has been canceled, go back to sleep.'

   You know what don't make sense!!!? Fat people with skinny arms.......

   Officer: anything you say will be held against you. Me: Big T!ts!

   made a "One Night Stand Kit" to give women who I have slept with ,, which includes a prepaid cellphone, toothbrush, and enough money for cab fare.

   One goldfish says to the other, "If there's no God, who changes our water every week?"

   You may not be familiar with the lesser known dwarf, Stabby. He was away, doing 25 to life.

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   When I win the Mega Millions, I'm gonna spend it on cigars, booze, women & a new Harley. The rest I'll probably waste.

   I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted multiple organisms. I'll return the petri dishes back to the lab.

   "LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he was confronted by Iron Man.

   That uneasy moment when you work at Subway and have to make a girl a sandwich.

   Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump are going to sit down for a face to face. Hope they got a big room. That's a lot of face.

   Without coffee and alcohol, we'd all hate each other a whole lot more.

   Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger..

   1-800-You~Wish.....To chat with hot, sexy girls in your area you'll never see or touch.

   Makes you wonder if Cedar Point tourism will be down next year. Pretty sure no kid is gonna be too excited to go see Sandusky...

   I should be noticed as a hero, I save lives EVERY DAY...because there are people who need to be shot and I don't shoot them.