Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even though it will mean the loss of 1-2 inches in height, some of you should seriously consider the Ped Egg..

   When I win the Mega Millions, I'm gonna spend it on cigars, booze, women & a new Harley. The rest I'll probably waste.

   I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted multiple organisms. I'll return the petri dishes back to the lab.

   "LMAO!!" - Magneto, when he was confronted by Iron Man.

   That uneasy moment when you work at Subway and have to make a girl a sandwich.

   Newt Gingrich and Donald Trump are going to sit down for a face to face. Hope they got a big room. That's a lot of face.

   Without coffee and alcohol, we'd all hate each other a whole lot more.

   Halloween.. The only time of the year where it's ok to take candy from a stranger..

   1-800-You~Wish.....To chat with hot, sexy girls in your area you'll never see or touch.

   Makes you wonder if Cedar Point tourism will be down next year. Pretty sure no kid is gonna be too excited to go see Sandusky...

   I should be noticed as a hero, I save lives EVERY DAY...because there are people who need to be shot and I don't shoot them.

   One time at a job interview, I was asked: "What can you bring to this company?" I told them: "paper clips, lots of paper clips"

   My circle of friends is a dot.

   Cats are pet tigers for midgets.

   Dear Eminem, Not only did yousteal our name but we're both black on theinside too. Sincerly, M&M'S

   Told my dealer I wanted a sh*tload of Coke but auto-correct changed it to shipload now I owe a Colombian cartel 18 million dollars.

   Men think girls don't get mad for no reason. there's always a reason. no matter how small it is or how dumb it is. it's still considered a reason

   No Microsoft, I don't want to Send an Error Report. Snitches get stitches.

   if you comment on a picture from a year ago, you are a stalker...

   Scientists predict that at the rate the polar ice caps are melting, Nicole Kidman's face will unfreeze by 2015.