Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone has the capacity to learn from their mistakes. I learned a lot today.

   thinks we should all deal with things like dogs: if you can't eat it, sniff it, or hump it, then piss on it and walk away!!

   thinking she needs a time out from being a grown-up!

   There is nothing is more awkward than driving through a 'One Way' street without knowing it and you meet up with another car face to face, then have to drive half a mile in reverse.

   "A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week."

   to get a taxi from West Philadelphia (Born and raised) to Bel Air would cost $8356.96 on an average journey. Jazzy Jeff is one generous guy.

   I'm kinda like pizza - even when I'm bad I'm good!

   Oh my God... that sun drop commercial with the pale chick dancing to snoop Doug is so annoying I just threw my remote at the TV screaming "shut up!!" Anyway.. I'm at best buy looking for a new TV...

   I have decided that if I ever win the lottery I am going to hire a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister to follow me around to the bars.

   what? I never said I didnt like you. I said "leave me alone, you make me wanna throw up"

   I hate having to hold my wife's purse when she's buying shoes, especially when she's buying them on Zappos!

   I like that you like my status. Facebook needs a button for that.

   Game, set, match equals tennis. Set, match, run equals arson.

   does things that no cartoon character would dare to go

   Easter can be just as much fun as an adult as it was as a child. Just paint and hide beer cans instead of eggs. Happy Easter!

   sorry about thoes texts I sent last night, my phone was drunk.

   I love it when a girl smiles, she looks beautiful but when she makes a duck face... honestly, she looks like a duck

   At a time like this I wonder...What would Jimmy Buffett do???

   As a show of support for all my friends effected by or responding to Hurricane Irene, I am currently sitting in a washer set to spin............

   Just read the entire Michael Jackson will -- turns out the doggone girl is mine.