Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Cartoons: The only place where you can wear the same thing everyday, and nobody cares. 
Shoutout 2 all the dark skinned girls with the cheetah print tattoo that looks like a 2nd degree burn.
A horse told me not to drive home the other night... I don't think the cop on top of it was amused when I told said "Mind your own business Mr. Ed"....
When you refer to Ben Roethlisberger as being a "loser" in The Super Bowl, you DO NOT have to use the word "allegedly".
finally got my certification in the mail, I'm officially insane.
will you be my 'open the door, take off my clothes, help me to bed, and scooch the trashcan close' ...friend?
Someday I hope to live in a city where the police DUI checkpoiints allow style points.
If at first you don't succeed, sigh, sigh again.
Everyone has the capacity to learn from their mistakes. I learned a lot today.
thinks we should all deal with things like dogs: if you can't eat it, sniff it, or hump it, then piss on it and walk away!!
thinking she needs a time out from being a grown-up!
There is nothing is more awkward than driving through a 'One Way' street without knowing it and you meet up with another car face to face, then have to drive half a mile in reverse.
"A good plan, violently executed now, is better than a perfect plan next week."
to get a taxi from West Philadelphia (Born and raised) to Bel Air would cost $8356.96 on an average journey. Jazzy Jeff is one generous guy.
I'm kinda like pizza - even when I'm bad I'm good!
Oh my God... that sun drop commercial with the pale chick dancing to snoop Doug is so annoying I just threw my remote at the TV screaming "shut up!!" Anyway.. I'm at best buy looking for a new TV...
I have decided that if I ever win the lottery I am going to hire a Rabbi, a Priest and a Minister to follow me around to the bars.
what? I never said I didnt like you. I said "leave me alone, you make me wanna throw up"
I hate having to hold my wife's purse when she's buying shoes, especially when she's buying them on Zappos!
I like that you like my status. Facebook needs a button for that. 