Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?

   Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.

   If voting really mattered, politicians would try to make it illegal.

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   Another NBA season...and Chris Bosh is still ugly.

   Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: fu?k

   Was Noah an animal hoarder?

   My coffee doesn't talk to me, and my Rice Krispies are telling me to do some weird s hit, so I'll let vodka make most of my decisions.

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." I hope she's happy my mime career has taken off.

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   How do homeless people manage to get those expesive tattoo's?

   Anthony Weiner to star in new mini-series...Sext and the pity.

   My animals are staring at me like I am the bacon messiah

   Women love when you do "the little things." I don't know what they are, but they love that sh*t

   Another lawyer TV series and I start strangling cats.

   i wonder what the ex pope will do with all those sweet hats

   marijuana is the only medication who may cause good side effect

   April Fools Day: Don't believe anyone or anything...like you should any other day.

   I won the celebrity death pool today, I had Shain Gandee...