Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   at least my imaginary girlfriend doesn't nag about all my masterbating...

   Next time your bf/gf get mad attach a cape around their neck and say "Now you're super mad!" If they laugh...marry them...

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take notes.

   What appears to be an inherent characteristic applicable to all human beings is the unfathomable tendency to resort to choosing that which they know is inadvertently the worst for them.

   This girl just gave me her number but it's only 6 digits. I am not sure if she's playing games or just retarded.

   You are an absolutely amazingly wonderful person and I'm thoroughly frustrated at my inability to help you to recognize that fact.

   It's easier to look for one's inner beauty when the person isn't covered in ugliness.

   Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?

   Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.

   If voting really mattered, politicians would try to make it illegal.

   Today's kids play TSA agent instead of doctor.

   Another NBA season...and Chris Bosh is still ugly.

   Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: fu?k

   Was Noah an animal hoarder?

   My coffee doesn't talk to me, and my Rice Krispies are telling me to do some weird s hit, so I'll let vodka make most of my decisions.

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." I hope she's happy my mime career has taken off.

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   How do homeless people manage to get those expesive tattoo's?

   Anthony Weiner to star in new mini-series...Sext and the pity.