Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

   Then satan said, "Put the alphabet in math"

   Dear Automatic Toilet Flusher: I appreciate your enthusiasm but I wasn't done yet.

   Dear Vegetarians: My food p00ps on your food. Enjoy that salad.

   gonna send Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston a pack of condoms as a wedding gift.

   I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says

   I didn't say it was your fault...I said I was going to blame you.

   there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs.

   really getting sick of all these so-called "Twilight" Rip-off shows or shows that had the vampire idea but realised it after the series. How's come when "Avatar" came out. they didn't bring back the Smurfs?"

   are the watermelons being sold outside suppose to be better than the one's at the grocery store???

   The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   The vet confirmed my dog is now officially lame. I'll start walking her in Ed Hardy gear then

   finds it interesting that most of the girls in the sex addiction meetings are either Pentecostal or Mennonite's

   always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.

   They say that if life throws you lemons, throw them back or make lemonade. But them b*stards never said anything about if life kicks you in the balls. Yeah, there's no recovery from that one!

   doing an environmental studies course and needs ideas on how to save trees. Answers on a postcard please.

   I don't know how to do my own taxes, but I CAN name the brand of cereal just by hearing it being poured into a bowl in the other room

   traveling through a maze.. In other words he's amazing

   If at first you don't succeed..... consider the fact that you may $%&! Suck!