Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dogs are truly mans best friend. If you dont believe me, lock your wife/girlfriend and dog in the trunk of your car. After a few hours go back and open it. Which of them is glad to see you?

   Bald people it's not ur fault, ur simply taller then ur hair

   I hate when cashiers ask "Is that everything?" Uh no B$tch, I'd also like all this invisible sh$t...

   To everyone on Facebook that plays Farmville or Cityville and sends me requests every hour of the day: Go hang yourselves.

   I want to know who Jimmy Fallon blew to get his late night TV show.

   I am the Electrical Engineer. Bring it on....

   When life throws ten problems at you, it also gives you a hundred reasons to be thankful. Give thanks to God! Have a very happy and safe Thanksgiving!

   Don't be a sexist, broads hate that.

   Then satan said, "Put the alphabet in math"

   Dear Automatic Toilet Flusher: I appreciate your enthusiasm but I wasn't done yet.

   Dear Vegetarians: My food p00ps on your food. Enjoy that salad.

   gonna send Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston a pack of condoms as a wedding gift.

   I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says

   I didn't say it was your fault...I said I was going to blame you.

   there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs.

   really getting sick of all these so-called "Twilight" Rip-off shows or shows that had the vampire idea but realised it after the series. How's come when "Avatar" came out. they didn't bring back the Smurfs?"

   are the watermelons being sold outside suppose to be better than the one's at the grocery store???

   The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   The vet confirmed my dog is now officially lame. I'll start walking her in Ed Hardy gear then