Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Then satan said, "Put the alphabet in math"

   Dear Automatic Toilet Flusher: I appreciate your enthusiasm but I wasn't done yet.

   Dear Vegetarians: My food p00ps on your food. Enjoy that salad.

   gonna send Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston a pack of condoms as a wedding gift.

   I asked the Magic ❽ Ball if I was going to clean the house today and it said, Signs point to yes. Sh*t I hate when it says

   I didn't say it was your fault...I said I was going to blame you.

   there a cure for a broken heart? Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs.

   really getting sick of all these so-called "Twilight" Rip-off shows or shows that had the vampire idea but realised it after the series. How's come when "Avatar" came out. they didn't bring back the Smurfs?"

   are the watermelons being sold outside suppose to be better than the one's at the grocery store???

   The old believe everything, the middle- aged suspect everything, the young know everything

   BP says it will emerge from the current situation "smaller and wiser." I assume sea life will emerge "shinier and more waterproof."

   I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

   wants to buy skittles and randomly throw them at people yelling taste the rainbow.

   likes to send facebook status updates from my phone sometimes just to make it look like I left the house that day.

   Sometimes when a person tells you "I've got your back..." they forget to add "...in my crosshairs."

   Loneliness taught me evrythng in this world, Except Hw 2 4get the person who made me alone ...

   is hoping for some Salem style mayhem before having to sit through another Harry Potter snorefest.....Gandalf still owes me 8 bucks for the last one.

   How many times do you have to pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

   Time to break out my mistletoe belt buckle!

   In the news: Police squad helps dog bite victim. ........... You'd think they would be trying to stop it.