Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife is leaving me because she says I'm a compulsive liar. I think she knows about me and Beyonce...

   I've reached that time of day on a Friday afternoon when I know I'm not going to get anything worthwhile done so the only solution is to not even bother

   oh no! Just got an Android phone..And I dont know how to copy an paste! All my friends must think I'm dead!

   I wonder if AM realises how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?

   My dad used to beat me with a camera. I still get flash backs.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it. 

   And to save enough money on gas to make up the extra cost of buying the hybrid, you'll be gassing up for the next 13 years. And the SUV's will still be laughing, Just longer and louder.

   I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   Like if you remember ... TONIGHT let it be Lowenbrau !!

   It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.

   You're inspirational Facebook update: ❒Inspires me. ✔Wastes my time. ✔ Inspires me to unfriend you.

   SWAGGER is temporary but CLASS is permanent!

   Keeping me happy is simple, don't mess with my food.

   I'm officially old...spent the day looking for a store that went out of business 20 yrs ago

   My wife told me she wanted to increase her workout by doing some cardio, I said grab the lawnmower and push :)

   I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   In a party, handsome guy approached a girl and asked her "r you goin 2 dance?" Girl felt so happy and said,"YES" The guy said-"thats good . . . . . can I have your chair?"