Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And to save enough money on gas to make up the extra cost of buying the hybrid, you'll be gassing up for the next 13 years. And the SUV's will still be laughing, Just longer and louder.

   I hate little dogs. I can only love dogs that could kill me.

   I scream.. You scream.. We're all screaming... (This is awesome!!!)

   Like if you remember ... TONIGHT let it be Lowenbrau !!

   It's funny how you can tell someone likes someone else, but you can't tell when someone likes you.

   You're inspirational Facebook update: ❒Inspires me. ✔Wastes my time. ✔ Inspires me to unfriend you.

   SWAGGER is temporary but CLASS is permanent!

   Keeping me happy is simple, don't mess with my food.

   I'm officially old...spent the day looking for a store that went out of business 20 yrs ago

   My wife told me she wanted to increase her workout by doing some cardio, I said grab the lawnmower and push :)

   I'm "single and ready to mingle" because it sounds less desperate than "alone and ready to bone"

   You got stretch marks around your mouth b!tch, so don't be playing hard to get.

   Take this status and shove it straight up your ass. Your head needs some company.

   In a party, handsome guy approached a girl and asked her "r you goin 2 dance?" Girl felt so happy and said,"YES" The guy said-"thats good . . . . . can I have your chair?"

   Sometimes it's fun to use unnecessary amounts of anger: "Peter can I have one of your chips?" "no" "DAMN IT PETER, I WILL SH!T ON YOUR GRAVE!!"

   Herman Cain's "motorcade" down to a rental car and a fat kid on a trike

   I like to buy kids loud gifts and laugh at how annoyed their parents are gonna get

   The doctor said I have ADOLAB. Attention Deficit...Ooo! Look! A beer!

   Joe B. always looks like he suffers from an intestinal parasite.

   boom chackalacka chackalacka (3x)