Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I hear Europe's "Final Countdown" I'm expecting Gob Bluth to appear and do a little magic

   Well I'm turning 33 in a few weeks and to celebrate, instead of planting a bunch of pink flamingos in my yard, I'm gonna bury all the exes that stole my youth.

   I replied "maybe" to your facebook event out of respect for the inherent uncertainty of life's journey.

   you don't need to thank everyone on facebook for your birthday messages, they were not sincere.

   Investigate your friends before they investigate you, because some of them work with your enemy's..

   No lie speech to text is cool until you say "I'll be off work in fifteen" and it sends "I like to beat off jerks and teens" *RJ*

   you might think it's funny, but it's snot

   I don't know why my neighbor threw this half-full bottle of bleach in the trash, it tastes perfectly fine!

   That gorgeous moment when you acknowledge the undeniable presence of an a$$hole inside you.

   Brb = looking for an excuse to stop talking to you

   So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"

   Dear Wednesday, Please treat me nicely, Thanks.

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.

   I don't make typos, I make new words.

   "We can't see eye to eye all the time." -- Someone who wants to 69

   ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound.

   The other JFK is appropriately called JFK Junior you other big dummy.

   In Asia, they give it up for rent.

   What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   "God made a few perfect heads, the rest he had to cover with hair."