Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you might think it's funny, but it's snot

   I don't know why my neighbor threw this half-full bottle of bleach in the trash, it tastes perfectly fine!

   That gorgeous moment when you acknowledge the undeniable presence of an a$$hole inside you.

   Brb = looking for an excuse to stop talking to you

   So Valentine's Day is about 3 wks away....While everyone else gets flowers and candy...I'll be like Charlie Brown during Halloween...."All I got is a rock"

   Dear Wednesday, Please treat me nicely, Thanks.

   Dear neighborhood prowler. You are playing a dangerous game. This is Texas. We all have g0ddam arsenals.

   I don't make typos, I make new words.

   "We can't see eye to eye all the time." -- Someone who wants to 69

   ♥ ♥ ♥ Heartworms ♥ ♥ ♥ Not as cute as they sound.

   The other JFK is appropriately called JFK Junior you other big dummy.

   In Asia, they give it up for rent.

   What I hate most about Twitter: Is finishing a good tweet, having -1 characters left, and then having to decide which grammar crime to commi

   "God made a few perfect heads, the rest he had to cover with hair."

   My wife is leaving me because she says I'm a compulsive liar. I think she knows about me and Beyonce...

   I've reached that time of day on a Friday afternoon when I know I'm not going to get anything worthwhile done so the only solution is to not even bother

   oh no! Just got an Android phone..And I dont know how to copy an paste! All my friends must think I'm dead!

   I wonder if AM realises how bad it sucks compared to PM and FM?

   My dad used to beat me with a camera. I still get flash backs.

   Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.