Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   She doesn't trust him an inch. If she doesn't find any strange hairs on his jackets she just accuses him of having an affair with a bald woman.

   thinks it's funny that the Carnival cruise ship passengers were complaining about having no showers and eating nothing but Spam and Pop-Tarts. Right now thousands of male computer science majors are trying to find out how to sign up for the next cruise.

   No one can do everything, BUT everyone can do something!!!

   If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

   Change is inevitable,except from vending machines.

   the best things in life...involve rum!

   Cam Newton's winning the Heisman surprised no one - especially Julian Assange, who knew about it a month ago.

   "When they're not fighting or racing light cycles, I'll bet the citizens of TRON spend a lot of time on the phone with tech support" -Conan OBrien

   My TV remote control is kicking my butt at hide and seek

   wondering why villians just don't shoot Batman in the chin?

   Have to show ID at the Pharmacy to by 6 dollars of OTC cold medicine but I can go to the ABC store and buy a truckload of booze and they won't even card me. Wait a minute, does that mean I'm old. . .... . .

   The sweetest voice mail message at work is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it."

   Hey!!! It's a "pedestrian crosswalk" you douche, not a "leap in front of my car like a freaking maniac walk!"

   A hangover will occupy a head that wasn't used the night before.

   When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"

   "Give me a scotch. I'm starving."

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   making some changes in his life. If your not on my friends list any longer, you were one of the changes........

   it tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.