Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you tell a kid "maybe" all they here is "I swear on my life this will DEF happen!"

   "Give me a scotch. I'm starving."

   How long before I can convince you all that it's my birthday again?

   I really hate people who breathe too hard... I can hear you breathing and that is a problem.

   making some changes in his life. If your not on my friends list any longer, you were one of the changes........

   it tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

   these keys I hold in my hand open up a very important part of my life,.. your chastity belt

   Zaa Zaa Gabor is doing well after her hip replacement surgury. The hip was donated by the Museum of Natural History

   It's hard to get the big picture when you have such a small screen.

   I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

   There's literally no one in the world who uses the word "literally" properly

   just found out red bull has no bull in it -- going back to beef shakes

   Nobody goes to that Bar anymore. It's too crowded... wait, what, nevermind, let's go!"

   Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint

   might not be the sharpest marble in the crayon box

   An optimist is a person who sees a green light everywhere. The pessimist sees only the red light. But the truly wise person is color blind.

   I just don't understand England's performance. Surely John Terry hasn't had time to sleep with all their wives?

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better without so much technology. ~ Sent from my iPhone.

   When I flush spiders down the toilet, I'm not trying to be mean, I'm simply letting them experience their own private Raging Waters.

   Chills and they're multiplying