Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Before drinking an "energy drink", pause to consider this: How are you going to use that extra energy to better serve Christ?

   :Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke. If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well!

   Great first it was the Movie theater early this yr, then the Mall random shootings, no its kids at the elementary level...... Can we put praying back in school now?

   If your an undecided voter, just vote for the one you feel wouldn't mug you in a dark alley.

   Mark Zuckerberg should have just shut down Facebook for 24 hours...That should have scared enough people to think the world was over!!!

   Dated a blind girl once, her name was .::. ::.:. ..:.:. :.:..::. ..:::.

   who do these people at Burger King think they are? Dont they know i'm an Ebay power seller,, and have over 70 friends on Facebook??,,,,FOOLS !!

   ‎2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up!!!!

   going on a magic carpet ride

   Try Jesus . . . If you don't like him, The Devil will always take you back :)

   Glee...what a cheesy and annoying show that is...ugh!

   If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

   The next time someone says to me "This too shall pass" they'd better be talking about a joint.

   High Wind Advisory for our area this evening. I wonder how the forecasters found out I had Mexican for lunch with refried beans???

   We cried of bad leaders. We had a chance to make the right decision. Now deal with the consequences.

   Forgive me Twitter, for I have sinned. It has been 6 hours since my last tweet, and in that time I had thoughts I didn't share.

   I hate waiting in lines. I wish this lady would hurry up and pick a suspect already."

   Fathers Day in a trailer park must be so damn confusing...

   My curfew was lightning bugs. My parents didn't call my cell, they yelled my name. I played outside with friends, not online. If I didn't eat what mom cooked, then I didn't eat. Sanitizer didn't exist,but you COULD get your mouth washed out with soap. I r

   Bill and Ted wrote the best bible when they said "Be excellent to each other". no other commandments or words of wisdom needed.