Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sunglasses were invented so you can stare at me while you're with your girlfriend.

   Actually, I WOULD wish that on my worse enemy.

   Seeing the physique of the male swimmers in the relay today made me wanna do something. So I sat up, ate ice cream, and cried myself to sleep...

   Yes please tell me your hopes and dreams because I haven't had a good laugh in awhile.

   No wonder, the Chinese took the medal in Table Tennis in the olympics....their use to seeing small balls going back n forth.

   Finished I couldn't believe it when my wife demanded sex the other night just before the start of the 100 meter's final but I have to say, I was pleased with my performance.I finished before Bolt.

   Unless you're a dog, you shouldn't be that excited to see me.

   Babe, you're my bucket list.

   According to the smell emanating from the family room, tuna was a bad thing to feed a dog.

   It's Friday for me and Monday for my liver.

   Behind everyone's favorite song, there is an untold story

   I heard Cobras dance to music so I played some Justin Bieber for my pet Cobra and he bit himself and died.

   That hilarious moment when people are over taxed and act like its never happened before.

   After the wife eats the last donut, it is apparently NOT OK to thank God for the plate not being made of sugar...

   WOW Justin Bieber has signed up to fly into space!.... On an unrelated subject... Does anyone know how to sabotage a spaceflight?

   "by day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime".

   I can't live without y̶o̶u̶. FOOD...

   i just saw snooki!!! oh wait it was Dani Da vito

   I found a fruit roll up in my pocket today. Which means one of your kids has a banana flavored blunt wrap in their lunch box

   If I wink at a hottie & she puts her cigarette out on her neck, that's still considered flirting, right guys?