Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   NOTICE: "Flirt Detection" FB Timeline Monitor has detected your significant other commenting a restricted user's picture. Do you wish to end the relationship? [Yes/No]. [Yes] Relationship ended. User has been submitted to FB Cheaters archives.

   The woman on Time Magazine's cover with her three year old, is there an App for that?

   I just need you here in bed with me so we can talk, and laugh, and cuddle, and sleep, and stuff…

   A Prius tried to race me from a stop sign the other day. I totally had it for the first 100 feet, but I can only walk so fast.

   Yesterday I asked my girlfriend what she'd like for her birthday... She's still talking.

   It's been years since I've had to use "the Schwartz"

   Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

   When a random stranger offers you drugs on the street say thank you because drugs are expensive

   Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your damn WiFi.

   says, "sex is like a gas station - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   I would slap you but that would be animal abuse

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   . . . I know I'm in my own little world, but it's okay, they know I'm here.

   If there's one thing I definitely couldn't live without, it would probably be my body.

   The jungle is only fun when you are on top of the food chain

   At first we were just going to stay home at Intercourse, PA but then my wife said she wanted a vacation out of the states so now we are going to Phucket Thailand