Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.

   When a random stranger offers you drugs on the street say thank you because drugs are expensive

   Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little to seriously.

   Girl just asked me to talk dirty so I described the space behind my fridge.

   'Love thy neighbor.' aka don't put a password on your damn WiFi.

   says, "sex is like a gas station - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for self-service"

   I would slap you but that would be animal abuse

   I was just fired from my job as an ad executive for Nike. Apparently putting the 'Just do it' label on the crotch is considered "offensive and inappropriate."

   My girl jus told me that she is going to start "act like a woman and think like a man" so I guess that means when she is in the kitchen making a sandwich she is going to be thinking about sex!

   M C SQUARE is Einstein's Rap Name.

   war doesnt determin who is right... its who is left.

   Wonder what chairs would look like if our knees bent the other way

   putting "in bed" after all his friends facebook statuses.

   drink up! And happy birthday to somebody somewhere.

   In general, girls don't like to be described as “beefy”. Even if you love beef.

   stands mighty in an elite group, Procrastinators! The leaders of tomorrow

   The TSA, groping and handling more packages than USPS since 2001!

   SKY news: 'parachute team die in plane crash'. Couldn't they just have jumped out?

   Conserve energy, How would you feel if someone turned YOU on and then left?

   i used to believe in Faith and Destiny, then I found out they were strippers