Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when Clinton was in office? Man those were the days huh?

   I just watch my dog chase his own tail for 10 minutes and I was like, "Wow dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized that I just watched my dog chase his tail for 10 minutes.....

   The high school kids must of went back to school...the jokes are getting funnier....now we gotta get rid of the Canadians.

   Barack Obama has a new plan for increasing how many barrels of oil America produces. He's going to force the oil companies to use smaller barrels....

   If you're mad about The Little Mermaid not being white, wait until you hear about Jesus.

   Jeremiah was and still is a bullfrog, but he has never caught a rabbit and he certainly aint no friend of mine.

   to me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks.

   Hey Obaman & other Liberal Dems The race card has become tired tattered and faded. Time to fabricate a new strategy.

   Ladies be careful when a dude asks you to come over and 'chill' it can lead to chill-dren

   "Vegetarian" is an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter." "Vegan" is an old Indian word meaning "really lousy hunter."

   I like my women the way I like my cocaine. Smuggled in from a foreign country and sold to me at a fair price.

   Spoiler alert: Spoilers on cars are stupid.

   Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.

   I used to go out with an English teacher, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon.

   my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan.

   Hey, whats a four letter term used to call a woman ending in "unt"?......the answer is "Aunt"

   The reason Hillary supporters didn't watch the first Trump TV interview, is that they're so slow, it'd take them two hours to watch 60 Minutes.

   Hahahah someone stole Obama's talking truck today in Va . Lets see that great speaker puts two sentences together now .

   fat girls need more lovin. And more bacon...and more fries...and a large diet coke...

   I smoked a lot of weed tonite. I'm higher than the crime rates in a black neighborhood.