Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Being President means never having to say I'm Sorry

   I'm a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....

   bringing my pet Mogwai with me to a New Years Eve party.

   Drank so much over the weekend that I'm giving a new meaning to "Shooting Craps."

   Note to Self: These Note to Selves don't work.

   If a ex-wife is laying in your bed, gasping for air and calling out your name, then you might want to hold the pillow down some more.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   Don't worry if your job is small and your rewards are few. Remember the mighty oak was once a nut like you!

   people who take really good care of their farmville probably have the ugliest room

   ...is wondering if some other horse went all "Tonya Harding" on former Derby favorite Eskendereya... 

   if you ever want a confidence boost just turn on your tv and watch Maury. If that doesnt help, you need help.

   Here it comesssss.... WOOT! WOOT! There it goessssssss.... "CHA-CHING!" Man, Payday Sux! :P

   all for 7 day weekends

   I want to break down your wall so I can build another one around us.

   Love songs are liars.

   Dude, you're going bald. That ballcap and shoulder length hair don't hide the fact.

   I love going to the gym. They have free internet!