Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i wake up every morning and high five my ego

   at my high school career day, they demonstrated which cardboard "will work for...." signs were most effective

   It's 39 degrees, which tells me one thing. That effin' Groundhog knows more about the weather than those clowns on TV.

   Why is Chris Brown's nickname Breezy? Shouldn't it be 'Bruisey' instead?

   Every so often I like to stick my head out the window and look up and smile for a satellite picture.

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Being President means never having to say I'm Sorry

   I'm a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....

   bringing my pet Mogwai with me to a New Years Eve party.

   Drank so much over the weekend that I'm giving a new meaning to "Shooting Craps."

   Note to Self: These Note to Selves don't work.

   If a ex-wife is laying in your bed, gasping for air and calling out your name, then you might want to hold the pillow down some more.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   I like "glass half full" type of people. Unless they're working behind the bar.

   There is something significant about being the first to use a fresh new toilet paper roll

   If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.

   Computers are so advanced that they are almost human; well, except for the fact that they don't blame their mistakes on other computers.

   All I want is to find a cool person to hang out with until I drop dead. Not a lot to ask.