Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sad news - I helped organise my boss's funeral this week, but apparently he has to be 'dead' before it can go ahead.

   Being President means never having to say I'm Sorry

   I'm a walking economy. My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.

   Never trust a brain surgeon who keeps saying 'Cool Beans!'

   business must be getting better. I noticed on my last check the government gave itself a raise....

   bringing my pet Mogwai with me to a New Years Eve party.

   Drank so much over the weekend that I'm giving a new meaning to "Shooting Craps."

   Note to Self: These Note to Selves don't work.

   If a ex-wife is laying in your bed, gasping for air and calling out your name, then you might want to hold the pillow down some more.

   When I was in the 10th grade I was taught $ex-ed by a 65-year-old nun, which is kind of like taking barbecue lessons from a vegetarian.

   I am so glad they make smart phones for dumb folks like me! Make me realize how slow I really am. 50,000 apps to choose from and I have trouble figure out what to make for frigging dinner.

   Sky Sports – “David, you are planning a return to the Premier League, you have only ever played for one other team being Man United; have you thought about the stick?” David – “Yeah, she'll get used to it, she loves London.”

   Cheer leaders will live forever, Zombies only eat brains.

   “I knew you'd be back.” -The Drawing Board

   life is really not that hard; consider the daffodil....While you are doing that, I will steal your wallet.

   I beg your pardon. I didn't recognize you. I've changed a lot.

   To this random person talking to me here in line at wal mart while I'm typing on my phone.. itd funny how you think I'm listening!

   knows that my man really love me by asking him if he does while he's sleep talkin'. It works.

   You never know who your real friends are until you are in need and then you'll be surprised who shows up.

   bout to go save the world............it's the only place with chocolate