Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys.

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   That Sexy Face you make when applying M A S C A R A.

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   Does anyone else on Twitter feel like they are being followed?

   I dont see how anyone can smoke in here, I can barely eat my sandwich...written on the wall of a porta-john

   Tax Day! Just wanna say that taxation WITH representation isn't all that great either..

   tries to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.

   there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

   I think this time around we elect a 17yr old girl president... That way when the economy goes sour,, she can run to her room and slam the door.

   Mans face eat'n in Miami the Apocalypse has begun.!

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   I've stopped trying to fight my inner demons. We're all on the same side now.

   i wake up every morning and high five my ego

   at my high school career day, they demonstrated which cardboard "will work for...." signs were most effective

   It's 39 degrees, which tells me one thing. That effin' Groundhog knows more about the weather than those clowns on TV.

   Why is Chris Brown's nickname Breezy? Shouldn't it be 'Bruisey' instead?

   Every so often I like to stick my head out the window and look up and smile for a satellite picture.