Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I leave homework till the last minute, because I'll be older and therefore wiser!

   Sorry Goldfish Crackers. You will never be taken seriously as a food until you lose the sideways grin.

   Want to know how awesome my day was? I heard two REO Speedwagon songs today. In their entirety. I can't fight this feeling anymore.

   Some girls are like a phone call from a private caller... you can pick it up, but chances are they just want money.

   Trying to arrange an eating contest between Rosie, Oprah and Trump....wagering available in Vegas. Place your bets early

   Considering I'm sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you may want to chose someone else to take advice from today, guys.

   The only time to use the self check out lane at the store, is when you're buying tampons, or Wesley Snipes DVDs.

   That Sexy Face you make when applying M A S C A R A.

   I think I wasted my 15 minutes of fame trying to save money on car insurance.

   Does anyone else on Twitter feel like they are being followed?

   I dont see how anyone can smoke in here, I can barely eat my sandwich...written on the wall of a porta-john

   Tax Day! Just wanna say that taxation WITH representation isn't all that great either..

   tries to read books that will make me look good if I die in the middle of reading them.

   there's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

   You'd think with all that money Rihanna is making she'd be able to afford clothes.

   I am just a boy standing in front of the internet, asking it to love him.

   I think this time around we elect a 17yr old girl president... That way when the economy goes sour,, she can run to her room and slam the door.

   Mans face eat'n in Miami the Apocalypse has begun.!

   If I'm ever in a horror movie, most of the scenes will be me changing my pants.

   I've stopped trying to fight my inner demons. We're all on the same side now.