Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying your a slut, but you have had more balls in your mouth then the hungry hungry hippos

   Dear People taking photos of the expensive alcohol you are drinking and p0sting them: Stop it!!

   Wait !! Everybody stop posting,,,,, I dropped a contact lens

   Obama promised change.If we are lucky we will have a few pennies from every dollar earned, thats the change we get. makes me wanna get up every day and go to work knowing I am funding health care for the lazy Americans who wont work. Only in America, WOW!

   Аliens would laugh if they knew the smartest spесies on the planet still kills each other over religion.

   took the "What should you be doing right now" quiz. And the answer is... WORK !

   Congratulations to the new Miss America! Now please answer your phone, I need tech support.

   Ex-wife For Sale...Just take over payment.

   can't help falling in love with you... maybe electroshock therapy will do the trick...

   doesn't the woman on googles homepage look kinda manly

   I knew that my son was special when I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and he told me "retarded"...

   Trump supporters criticizing Malia Obama for smoking pot like all of Trump's sons haven't done coke off a hooker's breasts in the last week.

   The booster protects against what, now?

   My porn star friend recently passed away. As a mark of respect, we had his ashes scattered over his wife's face.

   Welcome to the United States...Here is your crack and handgun.....Welcome to Canada....here's your beer and hockey stick

   Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it was invented anywhere else, it woulda been called a "teethbrush."

   I had my mom get me some condoms once. I told her I used them to keep my cigarettes dry at the beach. She went to the pharmacist and asked for some. Wise guy asked, "What size?" She said, You know, for a camel!"

   When I'm watching a 3D movie I take the glasses off for a second to see the difference.

   My neighbor was banging on my door at 3 a.m.! Can you believe that? 3 a.m.! Luckily, I was still up playing my drums....

   Shut up about the red cup and drink your fkn coffee. #StarbucksRedCup