Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   spooning with the cat tonight.

   I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom. I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

   today is 4-20! ...like I had to tell you... sit back .relax. and show some love :)

   Finally at my _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡

   thinks red meat isn't bad for you, green furry meat is!

   Bank Robbery should be legal...afterall, they rob me everytime I turn around!

   I would dress up like a Kardashian for Halloween but it's difficult walking around with a vacuum up your ass to get the pulled back face look.

   Majot Internet Lie committed by everyone: I Have read & agreed to the terms & conditions.

   says here's to honor...get on her and stay on her!

   Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!

   Number 1 drinking rule: NEVER DRINK ALONE... Come on Sponge Bob let's have another drink.

   Parking in the "Expecting Mother" parking spot wasn't a mistake. I'm expecting yours.

   When are the Kardashian going to start dropping off like the birds and the fish? Take them instead

   It's easier to wear the buckle than it is to ride the bull, I have no fear about slapping my girl on the ass and calling her by the wrong name just to see how long I can hang on. Gota love rodeo sex!

   "If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?"

   My neighbor just got one of those expensive new invisible fences. What a dumb@ss, I can still see him.

   if you do not change direction,u may end up where you are going

   For english please press uno. WTH is going on here

   I'm right 97% of the time...so why does my wife always find fault with the other 4% ?

   When I was young, I always thought that old people walk the way they do because they crapped their pants. Now that I'm older I know why. It's because they crapped their pants.