Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would prefer a disposable girlfriend over a reusable one.

   The only way I know if I've bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger

   It's sad, 'cause even someone not particularly vain might think a song is about them, if enough details matched up.

   I thought the new $100 bill was new... Turns out I've just been broke since they came out

   after what ive seen so far, its obvious which team took sdvsntage of their state's weed benefits.

   Was late getting to the Super Bowl party and missed the first 15 seconds, but the game was already over.

   Might as well change name to Boring S tatus Messages for F acebook.

   It’s funny that there aren’t that many female mechanics yet most women try so hard to "fix" men.

   I'm fluent in French, but only during sex or when I stub my toe.

   I hated grade one because my teacher could never remember my name. What made it worse was that I was home schooled!

   A new study shows that as people get older women retain memory better than men. This just proves that thing my wife told me...

   thinks those that have the grass is greener complex are never happy unless they're miserable

   Please stop calling it "guac" like you two pledged a sorority together your sophomore year. It's guacamole.

   Weekly I confine my exercises to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck. I have already lost at least 3 friends....

   When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder. They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.

   I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind

   The saying goes, there's someone out there for everyone. Maybe your someone is way out there, on another planet. . .

   I'm all for going out to a social gathering but I draw a line at someone starting a conversation with me

   *email from Domino's .....You haven't ordered pizza in 2 days... Is everything all right?

   *my finger on her lips* sshhhh, I just told you what I think, don't ruin the moment by saying what you think too.