Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.

   I failed my driver's test. The guy asked me "what do you do at a red light?" I said, I don't know… look around, listen to the radio

   I don't care who the hell you are, you fall, I will laugh.

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   When will my dog ever get the hint that my leg “just wants to be friends.”

   A report says that 15% of Americans admit to cheating on their taxes. Probably because the other 85% don't have an income anymore.

   Some people just need a hug... around their neck... with a rope.

   All voicemails from my Grandmother start with "HELLO! HELLO!" and end with her trying to dial another number.

   So it's said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." I say, "What doesn't kill me better run like hell!"

   If you get a tattoo on your face you can pretty much guarantee you are no longer anyone's emergency contact.

   Life gets a lot easier once you decide to become part of the problem.

   All our problems in the Middle East started when Indiana Jones shot that guy waving the sword around.

   My ex and I were together for 7 years. Evidently I broke a mirror.

   My divorce judge told me I needed to supply my xwife with a vehicle, I just UPSD'd her a broom

   Still waiting on the United States to hold concerts for money to donate to Alabama and those affected in the horrible tornados. We do it for everyone else for any other reason right?

   if you don't like someone on facebook, there's this awesome block button. it saves a lot of drama.

   You know your mind is already on the weekend when someone at work tells you they're giving away shots, and you assume alcohol before flu.

   Astronauts are the only people who followed through on what they wanted to be when they grew up.

   All I ask is to one day live in a house with secret passages.

   "Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything"