Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   I feel a jokeke for Chris Brown and Ray Rice Rice coming up. hmmm...maybe after I finish this Brown Rice, I'll knock it out!

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   There is no reason to tail gate someone in the slow lane. Especially when I'm going 35MPH over the posted speed limit. Oh and those flashy little lights on top your car look ridiculous. SMH

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   don't let her cry her way outta the argument. she's an adult. you can yell at her through the tears. be strong, bro.

   It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.

   I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.

   Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

   If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me..

   A guide dog joke? I didn't see that coming.....

   Stop planking gramma, that's not even a thing anymore. .....Gramma????

   ... This is Lawrence, Kansas... Is there anybody out there?... Anybody at all?

   I'm developing a reality series featuring older divorcées that live in "pink houses" in the woods competing for breast implants. I'm calling it "Cougar Melon Camp."

   I wonder if Manti Te'o's imaginary girlfriend ever suspected him of not seeing somebody else...

   It's been a long day,,,I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.