Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've mastered the art of trusting people when they have clearly proven they don't deserve to be trusted

   Every room is a waiting room without you.

   One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

   Explaining to a woman why she's wrong is the most difficult thing in the world.

   Kanye looks lovingly at Kim... "Thank you for coming to my wedding."

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

   Lawns: You cut them, then water them so they grow just so you can cut them again. This does not make sense.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.

   I feel a jokeke for Chris Brown and Ray Rice Rice coming up. hmmm...maybe after I finish this Brown Rice, I'll knock it out!

   In the 1800s the lives of sea creatures were improved with the invention of the electric eel. Previously they could only read by candlefish.

   Trying to quit electronic cigarettes by smoking real ones.

   There is no reason to tail gate someone in the slow lane. Especially when I'm going 35MPH over the posted speed limit. Oh and those flashy little lights on top your car look ridiculous. SMH

   I say potato you say potato, another guy says potato, everyone starts chanting potato, the potato meeting was a huge success

   don't let her cry her way outta the argument. she's an adult. you can yell at her through the tears. be strong, bro.

   It's kinda hard to believe in just 2 days,, I'll be stabbing housewives for a discounted Dyson vacuum.

   All this time I thought Adele was singing about Aloe.

   I refused to believe that my road worker father was stealing from his job but when I got home all the signs were there.

   Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store.

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.