Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm ready to go mushroom hunting, because I have no morels

   Real women don't label themselves as 'Dimes', 'Barbies', or 'Bad Bitćhes' because real men don't carry loose change, play with toy dolls, or wife dogs.

   I grew up in a Catholic Church and befriended the priest. It's a touching story.

   My drivers license is just a piece of paper that says I'm not Asian

   I scream. You scream. Others begin to scream frightened by our screaming. Panic ensues. Riots breakout... next time just ask for ice cream.

   Baby, Baby, Baby, NOOOOOOOO! - Bieber's first night in jail

   Parents have no idea what it's like to be a teenager in our generation…

   My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids

   I got fired from work for continually putting my fingers into the pickle slicer , but to be fair, they fired her too!

   The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.

   Dear Facebook. My friends know when I change my profile picture.. Signed, Everyone on the planet

   To hear many religious nuts talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals.

   An awesum cook, even the smoke alarm is cheerin me on! :)

   Thank God for the internet! Curse those who search and find out that this is where I've been stealing funny from. Yikes!

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.

   Summer's Eve announced a new douche infused with THC, anti-perspirant, & KFC... It leaves you fresh, high, dry, and finger lickin' good!

   Just found out that if you bake ice cream it does NOT make ice cream cake

   Gonna get a softball team going and name ourselves "off constantly". That way if we lose a game, we could still have the satisfaction of listening our opponents try to brag about beating off constantly..

   I CAN'T believe I am 50 years old! What.... I'm 57? I CAN'T believe I have Alzheimers!

   I saw a license plate yesterday that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop.