Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During the stone age, long before Facebook, man was already experiencing the desire to express on a wall what he had eaten.

   How the heck does one cup of coffee equal one gallon of pee!?!?

   Kim and Kanye's baby will probably be delivered by C-Section to avoid getting Chlamydia on the way out...

   A stranger phoned me up last night asking me to meet him in the woods because he wanted to see my breasts. Weirdo never showed up

   Bowling is my favorite sport because you don't have to run and there's beer five feet away.

   P0rn is so unrealistic. There's no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.

   Why are all the women in my office walking funny today?

   Let's have a round of applause for the heroes that they think they can save all the cancer-ridden children by liking and sharing those Facebook statuses.

   I wish my nipples were half as sensitive as my FB friends.

   Seems like I can't go anywhere in my house without somebody recognizing me.

   I got a message from facebook today.. saying my block list has exceeded my friends list. Congratulations this is a first. . .

   It's sad to think that the world we live in will never be a peaceful place

   I just can't stop thinking of all the people who signed my yearbooks that I have let down by failing to "stay cool"

   How the hell do hundreds of male Smurfs live with only ONE female smurf? It's no wonder they're BLUE!

   If anyone ever texts me "who is this" I always respond "Jake from state farm"

   The clerk at the gas station doesn't ever speak a word to me. He's currently my favorite person.

   I dont know whats more annoying, hot chicks who won't shut up about how ugly they are or ugly girls who won't shut up about how hot they are.

   You know ladies, if you don't snap me up soon, someone else will and then you'll have to wait 3 whole weeks till I'm single again.

   When someone calls shotgun I yell Rosa Parks and sit in the seat and refuse to move.

   It is unfair that girls mature faster than boys. Girls get their boobs at 13,, and men get their boobs when they're in their 40's