Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My letter to Santa starts something like this: Dear Santa, My sister did it..

   Dear Santa, I plead the fifth! No wait... I drank it!!

   I'm not saying she's a slut, but she's been pounded more than the I in Pixar.

   Hoarders have feelings too, you know,,,,,,,,,, They're around here somewhere,,, (moves empty pizza boxes around)

   I'm watching that episode of The Cosby Show where Theo poisons Rudy because he's jealous of her moustache

   I went in to see a psychiatrist. I say, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?

   My dogs are giving me the look. The look that says “we saw the empty wine bottles and we know that we have to walk you tonight instead.”

   Hey Crossfit idiots All I can think about when I see you running with your backpack full of weights is how quickly you'd sink if I pushed you over the bridge.

   Birds born in a cage thinks flying is an illness!

   Girls named Alice stopped being made 35 years ago.

   We all should pee slow and sporadic tonight in honor of Dick Trickle.... RIP

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.

   Negative people need drama like oxygen.Stay positive...it will take their breath away ..!

   I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.

   "Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)

   A happy ending is only an asian massage parlor away.

   I might be the worst car passenger ever, but that's mostly because I'm a better driver than you and everyone else, so I can't help that.

   How can there be self-help “groups”?

   sometimes I wish I had more asses to tell people to kiss!

   You need to carry Lifesavers on you religiously because they will serve their purpose. In your pockets & in your car. Do it. Trust me.