Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Birds born in a cage thinks flying is an illness!

   Girls named Alice stopped being made 35 years ago.

   We all should pee slow and sporadic tonight in honor of Dick Trickle.... RIP

   I always chase joggers with my car to motivate them.

   Negative people need drama like oxygen.Stay positive...it will take their breath away ..!

   I hit the gym pretty hard this morning..... I really need to stop drinking and driving.

   At the Halloween store: the "Slutty Frankenstein" costumes aren't flying off the shelves.

   When someone "pokes" you, I wish you could respond with a "stab directly in the heart"

   Has anyone else noticed that mirrors look really sexy? Or is it just her?

   sales of gillete razors gone dwn, I bet you thierry henry's had a hand in that

   filthy,stinking rich. Well,two out of three ain't bad.

   Everytime I think I'm going to get some pie, the bakery closes early.

   Today, I'm hosting a jousting tournament for ALL kids in the neighborhood! All you need is: $10 (entry fee), a bike, and a broom OR mop!

   keeps a fake journal claiming she's done monumental stuff, so if she ever develops amnesia, she's gonna think she's freakin' AWESOME!

   wonders what the guys from Color Me Badd are doing nowadays because I need a new roof.

   If I sat down for 10 seconds with a pad and pen, I could totally write a song for Yo Gabba Gabba!

   conducting a test of the emergency Facebook system. If this had been an actual emergency, then you need help because who looks at Facebook during an emergency?

   in the mood to watch some Disney movies!

   less than a God, but more than a man.

   "Ugh. I'm never, ever drinking again." - Person who will drink again (starting either tomorrow or the next day)