Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if I had a dime for every time a homeless person asked me for change...ide still say no.

   Karma: The "Gotcha" of the gods

   I was gonna tell a midget joke.. but I thought that would be kinda low.

   Never tell your woman shut up... just tell her that her lips are sexy when they are closed...

   "I faked all my LOLs."

   Why aren't mustaches called mouth brows?

   santa has to be the greatest criminal ever...a million cases of breaking & entering...the police everywhere know where he lives but he knows how to buy everyone of them off with gifts

   Let's name things we're grateful for. I'll start: Skin.

   If you are not Happy being Single, You will never be Happy in a relationship.

   some girls are such sluts I wouldnt even poke them on Fackbook

   Love thy neighbor, just dont get caught .....

   Are airline stewards forbidden from saying "Hi Jack," even if the pilot's name is "Jack?"

   Be nice to your neighbors.. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good screams and your bad screams..Happy Halloween!

   There are 364 days until Christmas and people already have their lights up. Unbelievable.

   My day starts just like any normal guy. I wake up, drink raw eggs, run around Philadelphia, and punch raw slabs of meat.

   The wife put dishwasher tablets on the shopping list. Damn, if I'd known that's what it took I'd bought her the pills sooner

   If a pair or shorts is big enough to spell "Bootylicious" across the back, chances are it's not.

   Two silkworms raced each other. They ended in a tie.

   Drank two Monster Energy drinks,, and started my car by screaming at it... #boss

   FACT: If you give your kid's name a retarted spelling, I will pronounce it like I am retarted.