Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Black Friday... a special time to keep Capitalism in Christmas

   The next person I hear blaring "Gangnam Style" at a stoplight is getting stabbed in the temples with an olive fork!

   got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...

   The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!

   I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby." Like, what the else were you expecting to grow inside you?!

   THIS IS CRUEL: 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

   Ludacris rapping with Justin Bieber should be called "Statutory Rap"

   Inception just umm... my head kind of... I hope this isn't a dream...

   It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

   My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I want to know how tight are those buns..

   Bacon is meat candy

   Its called the Fast Lane, NOT the Speed Limit Lane, so move over!

   My grandfather used to get up at 5am every morning and deliver milk to people's doorsteps in a horse-drawn cart.... He wasn't a milkman , he was clinically insane.

   How do you know you've found Lebron James' cell phone? It vibrates and receives calls, but doesn't have a ring!

   murdering your spouse within the first year of marriage can really put a strain on the relationship.

   glad she has pajamas with pockets. Now she doesn't have to hold things while she sleeps.

   The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

   I hate that show HOUSE. He always finds the cure 3 minutes left within the show. That gimpy son of a b*tch...

   contrary to what many believe, there are actually 3 rings to marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.