Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

   My mate Alan has been drinking brake fluid for 6 years, but he says he's not addicted. He reckons he can stop any time he wants...

   ladies first is just a polite way of saying I want to know how tight are those buns..

   Bacon is meat candy

   Its called the Fast Lane, NOT the Speed Limit Lane, so move over!

   My grandfather used to get up at 5am every morning and deliver milk to people's doorsteps in a horse-drawn cart.... He wasn't a milkman , he was clinically insane.

   How do you know you've found Lebron James' cell phone? It vibrates and receives calls, but doesn't have a ring!

   murdering your spouse within the first year of marriage can really put a strain on the relationship.

   glad she has pajamas with pockets. Now she doesn't have to hold things while she sleeps.

   The wheel is still spinning but the hamster died.

   If people criticise or hurt or shout at you, dont bother. Just remember that in every game audience make the noise, not the players

   just saw a bumper sticker on the back of a Toyota today that said: "I Brake for NOTHING!"

   MAN'S POEM I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a s**t.

   Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, I'd hit that......in the face....with a shovel.

   Who would have thought the Detroit Lions would have played the best football in the state of Michigan this weekend?

   Look at life through the windshield, not the rear-view mirror.

   Man that Bears loss hurt me more than my divorce

   next worldcup england are going to wear jerseys with a GPS system.......so that they know where the goal is:D

   I hate that show HOUSE. He always finds the cure 3 minutes left within the show. That gimpy son of a b*tch...

   contrary to what many believe, there are actually 3 rings to marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffering.