Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for the first time in my adult life....i'm proud to be a Massachusettonian

   That awkward moment at the club when the white girl dances better than the black girl...#shame

   congrats to the NY Steinbrenners for buying....I mean winning the World Series!! Baseball is no longer America's Sport, the NFL is. Learn from them and get a salary cap!

   When I date single moms, I tell the kids "I'm not trying to fill the hole left by your father; just the ones inside your mother."

   BRADY: Sup. TEBOW: Sup. BRADY: What have you been up too? TEBOW: Studying the Bible. What about you? BRADY: Banging Gisele Bundchen. [Awkward Silence]

   Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and bad decisions.

   While looking down at my shorts, my wife said "well somebodies happy to see me" To which I replied "No its just a Samsung Galaxy MEGA in my pocket"

   How many girls it takes to change a light bulb? 4 if you count the one taking and posting the pic to Facebook

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.

   Happy fathers day to the real dads out there....not you sperm donors

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!

   Wives just don't understand how much rubbing it takes to clean a di(k in the shower...

   I wanna get a tattoo of a grape, that way when I'm old and wrinkly it turns into a raisin. .

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   Learning is way more than a test score...

   I suspect Adele ate her last name.

   They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't.

   I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!