Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember,,, It takes more muscles to frown at a donut than to eat it.

   Flavored condoms? What's wrong with pen*s flavor?

   I am like a hardware store. I screw. I nut. I bolt.

   Happy fathers day to the real dads out there....not you sperm donors

   I found the pot at the end of the rainbow, and I smoked it!

   Wives just don't understand how much rubbing it takes to clean a di(k in the shower...

   I wanna get a tattoo of a grape, that way when I'm old and wrinkly it turns into a raisin. .

   women are like groceries....the really heavy ones should be double-bagged

   Learning is way more than a test score...

   I suspect Adele ate her last name.

   They say that fat girls try harder. Not in the gym they don't.

   I can't believe ALL these single women in my area want to meet me....it's probably due to all the I-Pads I've been winning!

   Black Friday... a special time to keep Capitalism in Christmas

   The next person I hear blaring "Gangnam Style" at a stoplight is getting stabbed in the temples with an olive fork!

   got sacked from my job as a bingo caller last night. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is an unacceptable way to describe the number 69...

   The Mars Rover reports there are only 167 Starbucks on Mars!

   I hate when couples say "we're expecting a baby." Like, what the else were you expecting to grow inside you?!

   THIS IS CRUEL: 'Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia' is the fear of long words.

   Ludacris rapping with Justin Bieber should be called "Statutory Rap"

   Inception just umm... my head kind of... I hope this isn't a dream...