Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   on a scale of Rihanna to Christina Ricci: How big is your forehead?

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies.

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   off is the general direction in which I wish you would f°°k!

   When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.

   The best way to win an argument is to use logic.

   "I warned her.." -courtney love

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   on the air go ahead caller

   will listen, if you'll talk about me...

   out tonight, because the Beastie Boys fought, and possibly died, for my right to paaarty....

   eat, drink, and be scary.

   need to finish my assignments fast before my brains figure out I am doing something productive....

   gone to search for One Eyed Willie's rich stuff.

   Why do they call it “getting your dog fixed” if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

   I have always woundered why people bang their heads against brick walls..... then I met you