Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   money is the root of all evil I thought But when I'm broke is usually when I have the evilest thoughts.

   I never realized how easily I bruise until I played Angry Birds with the sound on around other people.

   Only a few more days until those “yo, 2012 is about to be my year” status updates..

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches

   WINTER DRIVING TIP: Wait until your vechicle has slipped off the road instead of Texting while driving.

   if I blocked you on Facebook...what makes you think I want to connect on LinkedIn? just sayin

   Mr. Kotter, Please excuse Juan from class today because he is dead. Signed: Epstein's Mom. R.I.P. Robert Hedges.

   on a scale of Rihanna to Christina Ricci: How big is your forehead?

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet

   It's a shame that most things aren't pies... More things should be pies.

   Sleep with a girl with a spray tan? No thanks. I'll just stick my d$ck into a bag of Cheetos.

   off is the general direction in which I wish you would f°°k!

   When it comes to the Super Bowl, you know why everybody mostly talks about the commercials, the half-time show, and what parties they're going to? Because let's face it, the game itself is usually a snooze-fest.

   The best way to win an argument is to use logic.

   "I warned her.." -courtney love

   A fun thing to do when leaving the Zoo, is too start frantically running and yelling "OMG they've all escaped!"

   OK, I'm getting out of bed in 10 seconds. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,9,9,9,9,9

   I'd like to shake the hand of the guy who invented the snooze button... in like 9 minutes.

   Old women smell like if you farted through a dryer sheet. Let's help them.

   Who's the genius that gave the police sirens?