Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm NOT falling for the candy in your pocket trick. Again. Unless you say it's chocolate.

   If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you're not naked near enough.

   I wonder what normal feels like.

   I don't care what you say, fat girls are beautiful too.....at a distance.....of 300 or more feet.

   I know every day is a gift, but where's the receipt for Mondays? I want to exchange it for another Friday.

   I'm allergic to some alcohol. I break out in Sexyness and and in extreme cases nudity...

   Never faked a sarcasm in my life.

   Someone should really tell cab drivers not to Stink & Drive.

   The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark.

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.

   When I hit send while texting on my IPhone I hold my finger lightly over the speaker hole then hit send and it makes a tiny little fart sound ! Fun !

   You wonder why guys keep leaving you? Maybe it's because you put out before they even tell you their name.

   Office Buffet = Taking food from each coworkers lunch in the refrigerator.

   Let's fall in love with each other but end up marrying other people.

   Another pair of my socks are getting a divorce...

   I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a p enis.

   Every Thursday night I go out, forgetting about last Friday morning.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   making a list of people to smack in the head with a fruitcake...