Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The monsters under my bed are afraid of MY dark.

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   The last time I saw a vag!na was apparently, the last time.

   When I hit send while texting on my IPhone I hold my finger lightly over the speaker hole then hit send and it makes a tiny little fart sound ! Fun !

   You wonder why guys keep leaving you? Maybe it's because you put out before they even tell you their name.

   Office Buffet = Taking food from each coworkers lunch in the refrigerator.

   Let's fall in love with each other but end up marrying other people.

   Another pair of my socks are getting a divorce...

   I have a thing for women with dark hair and dark eyes, and that thing is called a p enis.

   Every Thursday night I go out, forgetting about last Friday morning.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   making a list of people to smack in the head with a fruitcake...

   Steve Martin's kid was born in December Idiot

   Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help a disabled African learn the difference between an intruder and his f**king girlfriend

   how can you tell when your baby needs more oil and where do I add it??

   Anyone got a hand basket? I gotta go somewhere.

   I got health insurance again! I get to go to a english speaking doctor

   Next thing we know, Detroit is going to be asking for an EBT card,,, then it's just a slippery slope to standing outside of Home Depot.

   I'm going to call my congressional representative and ask them to sponsor a bill authorizing the use of drone strikes over the United States.... as long as we can control them from our smart phones and we can target anyone who cuts us off on the freeway.

   They pull a trumpet, you pull an oboe. He sends one of yours to the mezzanine, you send one of his to the loge. That's the philharmonic way.