Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.

   The jerk store called. Instead of texting. Typical

   I see your Zimmerman and raise you a Casey Anthony

   Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights

   I was watching what I thought was a documentary on Hindu Gods; they featured that strange one that looks like a bizarre elephant. Turns out it was a Rosie O'Donnell interview.

   I have an eating disorder, where I eat dis order,,, and dat order,,, and dis other order on the next table.

   Well the news reports that a Tibetan Mastiff was purchased in China for 2 Million Dollars. Some one over there is about to eat the most expensive authentic Chinese Meal they've ever had today.

   Ladies; you’re all crazy and men are idiots. You just need to find the idiot that matches your crazy.

   He said "Your obsession with cats is out of control. I can't handle it anymore." She cried, "You're kicking meeeowt?"

   The Braille on the drive-thru ATM should say "Congratulations for making it this far... but, why the fck are you driving?"

   If schools were really serious about fundraisers, they'd sell drugs and alcohol.

   I'm no expert but I think your Facebook status updates can be used for your insanity defense.

   This vodka tastes like it needs more vodka.

   Not to brag, but it's 8:35am and I haven't had any alcohol yet.

   Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my doo

   My safe word is, "gross"

   Want to know something about me??? Well,,, ANYTHING a monkey points at,,,,, I will Immediately look at....

   Don't be upset at your lady for checking me out. Instead compliment her on her great taste

   I hate you but I'm not in hate with you.

   Moses sent me an email from his new tablet, with ten attachments.