Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   sitting here laughing while putting marijuana seeds in a bird feeder

   How many more days before we can stop talking about World Cup?

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east...

   I'm proud to be an American. Where at least I know I'm free.

   The attack on the Pope was really his own fault. After all he was wearing Axe Body Spray.

   the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, do her doggie style! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”

   I think the Hope And Change has turned into Hump and Dump.

   I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate...

   The perfect work excuse: "Hello? Boss? Yes, I'm sorry, I will not be coming to work today. I'm having vision problems. I can't see myself coming to work today!"

   Look slavery is and will alwayz be wrong..BUT...I think I'm starting too understand white folks better cuz doing ur own laundry does kinda suck too

   You people should be ashamed of your self....Smoking poor defenseless plants like that! How would you like it if a plant came up to you all willy nilly chopped of your legs and smoked them in front of you! >_< Yeah that's right.... I went there. Hap

   Its so cold out, I actually saw a gangsta with his pants UP!

   The best part of marriage is divorce.

   On a positive note..... North Korea can only reach the west coast, nobody cares about them anyways.

   I like picking fights with myself simply because the make-up masturbation is sooo good.

   I bet the man who discovered milk felt awkward when he had to explain why he was doing that to a cow in the first place...