Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when one person suffers from a delusion it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called religion.

   Just held the door for an Asian guy. He said "Sank you" so I punched him in the face. I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that!

   I can't believe I'm eagerly waiting to hear Obama speak and tell me something other than his resignation.

   My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching CNN News.

   So Amanda Knox kills an innocent girl and she is now a media darling just because she spent a couple of years in an Italian jail. Whats wrong with this world really?

   Question for the Christian folks...When Moses parted the red sea, did he say anything? Like Ta-Daaaaaa!!!

   just told my kids about the Casey Anthiny verdict and that if they didn't shape up I was moving the family to Florida

   Justin Bieber was shot last night!!! Well, on an episode of CSI. If only art could imitate real life for once, this would be the time!

   I'd be more willing to join Farmville if they let me grow weed, and sell it to Mafia Wars...

   Just think, had the Indians given the Pigrim's a donkey instead of a turkey, we'd all be getting a piece of ASS today instead of some damn bird!

   Ya know when ya go on vacation and you just can't wait to get home to take a nice, healthy dump?

   Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

   I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.

   You can post about your love of god on facebook all you want, but *I* remember your love of going down on random guys at frat parties. Amen.

   sitting here laughing while putting marijuana seeds in a bird feeder

   How many more days before we can stop talking about World Cup?

   You the bomb" "No you the bomb" A compliment in America. An argument in the middle east...

   I'm proud to be an American. Where at least I know I'm free.

   The attack on the Pope was really his own fault. After all he was wearing Axe Body Spray.

   the little boy walks in on his parents having sex. The little boy says, “Daddy, what are you doing?” The father replies, “Making a baby.” The little boy says, “Well, do her doggie style! I'd rather have a puppy instead!”