Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If money grew on trees, girls would date monkeys! But then again most of them already do.

   I like my men like my Vodka: Gone in the morning!

   If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship... Get ya life in order before you try to share it with someone else.

   A friend of mine told me he had sex with his girlfriend and her twin, I asked how he could tell them apart, and he said her brother has a mustache.

   When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, "You hit like a b!tch"

   I refuse to jump on the bandwagon and talk about Anderson's Pooper. I mean Cooper.

   Life is all about ass, everyone's either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, trying to get a piece of it, or simply just being one :)

   Santa is the original Voyager!

   Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is your List of Naughty Girls!

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

   I just had to unfriend someone on FB; she played too many games.

   Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption"

   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   Monday isn't so bad if you lube up.

   Easter is the most American holiday because it converts the resurrection of Jesus into the eating of chocolate.

   Valentines day is cancelled this year 14 - 02 - 12 = 0 Mathematical proof.

   You should make her feel like everyday is Valentine's day : )

   I'm giving up silly, medieval superstitions for lent.

   I've been trying to come up with an original joke about s luts, but they've all been done countless times.