Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   We don't have a chimney but I've assured my children that Santa and anyone else could easily sneak into our home at night.

   I just had to unfriend someone on FB; she played too many games.

   Kidnapping? I prefer the term "surprise adoption"

   When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

   Monday isn't so bad if you lube up.

   Easter is the most American holiday because it converts the resurrection of Jesus into the eating of chocolate.

   Valentines day is cancelled this year 14 - 02 - 12 = 0 Mathematical proof.

   You should make her feel like everyday is Valentine's day : )

   I'm giving up silly, medieval superstitions for lent.

   I've been trying to come up with an original joke about s luts, but they've all been done countless times.

   E HARMONY : I am looking for a women that never has time to do anything with me ,,must like hockey and loves to cook..do laundry and clean shaven,,thanx

   Relationships aren't tests, so why cheat?

   Bedbugs - the original Pillow Pets!

   wondering if Herman Cane came up with his 999 plan after a dinner date with a German woman...

   Playboy just offered Sarah Palin $4 Million to pose nude in the July issue...Michelle Obama got offered 50 Bucks from National Geographic.

   the greatest day ever will be when the US decides to nuke the middle East , killing all the camel jockeys

   "One time, I got so hammered I woke up a cave three days later" - Jesus

   can never tell gay and straight people apart. They all look the same to me.

   Nice guys finish last....Real men finish on her face.