Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favourite yoga position is your legs on my shoulders.

   Nicolas Cage must be hibernating. Thank god.

   I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, send them all their stuff they left at your place.

   Kanye West speaks about his recent engagement to Kim Kardashian... "I just can't wait for her to take my First name."

   If all he thinks about is sex, turn on a football game. Now he's thinking about football... And sex...

   Rob Ford is slowly becoming one of the greatest Canadians of all time....

   There aren't female werewolves because it would be unfair if they turned into crazed man-eating creatures of the night twice a month.

   Siri, where are my pants?

   I thought Pluto would have more hair.

   I don't remember how the saying goes, but I think it's Rum before Whiskey, before Vodka, = Heart Palpitations.

   It's 2015, shouldn't we be calling him Middle Age Rock by now?

   Whenever I get to Edinburgh, I'm reminded of the definition of a gentleman. It's someone who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't"

   I feel kinda like that guy in Nirvana whom nobody really appreciates. Not Kurt Cobain or Dave Grohl, the other one.

   Wife: He's not the same man I married. Husband: No, he had a much younger wife.

   At what age do we start saying Congratulations instead of "OH CRAP" when someone says they are pregnant ?

   “This mattress looks nice…” “Feel free to test it out, sir.” *curls up on mattress and cries for 10 minutes* “I’ll take it.”

   FYI,,,, My grandma hides blue cookies in the back of her toilet.

   When I die, keep it simple. Just launch me into space while Elton John plays "Rocket Man" on a glass piano and Maya Angelou reads my statuses

   Sometimes I wonder if the weird guy I work with thinks I am the weird guy.