Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm throwing in the white flag, I can't take anymore of this "winning".

   Donald Trump to Queen Elizabeth: "You did a great job on Bohemian Rhapsody! Great song."

   Watching Trump meet with various world leaders is like witnessing someone go on a bunch of really bad first dates.

   Sòdømy is not marriage. Pórnögraphy is not art. Desires are not rights. At this point I feel ignorance shouls b bliss. In a few years expect a lot of traumatized babies whose dad's screw each other..gross

   Trump For President! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!!!

   Instead of protesting the deaths of thugs, why don't you teach your children how to avoid being one in the first place?

   Eminem and Bruno Mars mixed together would a yummy candy bar

   I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired.

   gas prices are higher than Charlie Sheen !

   I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long....

   This guy knocked on my door today askin' for a donation to the city pool... I went away & came back w a glass of water.. Is that wrong?

   Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

   My wife has PMS and i'm stuck in the house with her. It's the Kotex Vortex!!

   a homeless guy looked at me and said "any change"? I said " no you are still dirty and homeless

   Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.