Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long....

   This guy knocked on my door today askin' for a donation to the city pool... I went away & came back w a glass of water.. Is that wrong?

   Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

   My wife has PMS and i'm stuck in the house with her. It's the Kotex Vortex!!

   a homeless guy looked at me and said "any change"? I said " no you are still dirty and homeless

   Blind people should not skydive. It scares the crap out of their dogs.

   I hope the Olympics teaches kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating.

   Spike the football, hang on the goal post, hump the wind, do the funky chicken, get in ur opponents face & gloat but for God's sake don't pray on a football field, that;s inappropriate. I say do ur thang Tebow. Maybe the Colts need to do a little Tebowing

   I like to play "Rodeo Cowboy" with my girlfriend. Whenever we're making love and I'm behind her, I call her by a different name and see how long I can hold on.

   Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.

   Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

   If you're not with me, you're against me!! And, if you're against me...well, hello there!! ;)

   a cereal killer

   We need to have a man to man talk! Well if not man to man, mustache to mustache at least

   Are you there, nothing? It's me, an atheist.

   Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it's only Tuesday.

   We will spend over 700 million dollars to take pictures of another planet when we have Veterans on our own Planet not getting the care that they deserve. This is a MESSED UP WORLD !!!

   Hey Obama, where's the change? I need it to pay for gas!

   looking to the 8 ball for all the answers

   I'd vote for Donald Trump just to watch him tell Obama he's fired... ‪#‎justsaying‬